Wednesday, March 31, 2004

getting better all the time

Tonight I feel as close to "normal" as I've felt in over a week. I got a decent night's sleep last night and that seems to have made a big difference. I woke up a few times in the night but didn't have too much trouble getting back to sleep. I was really beat this morning so I did sleep in a little later than I normally would and didn't get my regular workout in before work. I actually did a little bit of exercise today though. I walked for 30 minutes outside and it felt pretty good. I had to take my time though as I'm still easily winded. Tomorrow morning I'm going to try to get up at my normal time and get back on my recumbent bike.

Foodwise, my eating was really good today. Much better than it's been all week so overall, I'm feeling really good. The whole week won't be a total blowout if I'm careful over the next couple of days. It shouldn't be too hard to do. We did some errands after work tonight and I'm restocked with yogurt, cereal and fruit so I've got lots of healthy snack stuff. I'm still kind of dragging my ass though so I'm going to head off to bed now. I know it's early but if I'm going to be up at 5 a.m. for a workout, I'll need my beauty sleep. 'night all!

Tuesday, March 30, 2004


I'm still hacking and wheezing today. I did manage to sleep well last night though, for a switch. A friend of mine told me that she developed cold medication induced insomnia herself a couple of weeks ago when she had this bug. Yesterday, I didn't take any cold medication at all (just some ibuprofen for my pounding headache) and I slept really well. I guess you can only take so much of that stuff.

This morning, again, I missed my workout. I slept in a little later than I normally would and I knew my lung capacity was crap so I didn't even bother attempting it. I am really missing the exercise but physically, I cannot do it. It's really maddening when you want to do something and can't. My eating hasn't been fabulous either over the past few days. We've not felt up to doing a proper shop and neither of us has the energy to cook a real meal so we're living on soup and toast and frozen food. Not ideal I know but hopefully that will be ending soon. By tomorrow night I'll desperately need to get to the store as I will have run out of fruit and yogurt by then.

On an up note, we had actual real Robins in our backyard last night so, if nothing else, Spring's officially arrived in these here parts!

Monday, March 29, 2004


My stomach is full and so is my head. I'm back at work today for some silly reason. I mean, technically, I don't feel as terrible today as I have in a few days but right now, as I sit and let my lunch digest, I can feel my head filling up again. My right eyelid is getting twitchy and watery. If this keeps up much longer I'll be heading to the doctor.

I managed to pass it along to my hunny too. He never gets head colds but he's picked this one up and he's at home right now, blowing his nose and trying to breathe. My head was so stuffed up this morning that I didn't even attempt any exercise. I hadn't slept very much last night and was just pooped when I got up. I'm feeling slightly guilty about the lack of exercise but I know that honestly, I couldn't do it. I've got to get over the guilt and just take it easy.

Hopefully, soon, I'll more exciting things to write about. There is only so much that one can write (or you folks can read) about snot, coughing and being a lump. I want to be able to run up the stairs without getting winded again, I want to have my normal voice back and I want my ears not to pop every 2 minutes. That's not asking a lot is it?

Sunday, March 28, 2004

nuttin' honey

Just quickly checking in here on my way to bed. Again today, I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday but I'm still coughing and sneezing a lot. I didn't end up getting out for a walk as it happened. It took everything I had to just get my laundry done. I actually scrubbed out my grubby fridge too but that's about it. I'm finding that my energy level is really low and that I'm easily winded. I know that it's going to take me a few days to get back up to steam again. I'm going to try to do some cardio in the morning and slowly build back up to my normal workouts by the end of the week. I made a decision though to not push myself too hard. I do not want to experience a relapse. This past week was just beyond miserable and I don't want to repeat it anytime soon.

Again today, eating wasn't too bad as I wasn't overly hungry. This morning we had a big breakfast out. For some reason we were up really early this morning so we decided to treat ourselves to a meal out. Because of the big breakfast we didn't even think about lunch...we didn't even have a proper dinner tonight as it happened. I made myself some toast while we were watching the Simpsons and that seemed to do the trick. I'm sure that we'll be back into our normal routine tomorrow. Hope so anyway.

Saturday, March 27, 2004


Tonight, for the first time in days, I'm actually feeling like a human being again. For the past few days I've felt like a walking, talking, snot-machine. It's been pretty gross. I can't even believe how many boxes of tissue I've gone through since Monday. The combination of using tissue with lotion and keeping my nose basically lubed up with petroleum jelly has saved me from turning into a W.C. Fields look-a-like.

Right now, as I type this, I can almost breathe normally. I'm finding that if I talk too much though, I start to cough. Last night I actually lost my voice. It's a good sign though, the more terrible I sound, the closer I am to the end of the cold!! Thursday night was horrible, I didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours all night and ended up staying home yesterday. I did manage to get a lot of sleep yesterday though. I also slept pretty well last night too so I think that the worst of it all is behind me now.

Of course, I haven't really been paying much attention to what I've been eating over the past few days and I didn't exercise Wednesday, Friday or today. I did hop on the scale this morning though and was happy to see that I'd maintained last week's one pound loss so the week wasn't a total write-off. I honestly would not have been shocked to have shown a gain this week so maintenance was definitely a good thing!!

I'm not sure if I'll be working out tomorrow. I'm finding that I get short of breath very easily so I may give it one more day and ease back into exercising again on Monday. If anything, I may try to get out for a walk tomorrow (if it's nice). It's been mild the past few days but kind of windy and rainy. Hopefully, the sun will be out tomorrow and I can get outside for a little bit. I don't want to push myself or anything but I think I'd like to do something more involved that just blowing my nose!

Thursday, March 25, 2004

I ended up leaving work early. My fever had returned and I was on the verge of not being able to breathe. It was really unpleasant. When I got home, I took a couple of the cold pills I've been taking and lay down for an hour or so. When my hunny got home, we had to go out and do groceries for the little old guy and for ourselves. I could not believe how busy Loblaws was when we were in there. At first I thought that it was just me, that I was all wonky and feverish but I realized that it was totally nuts in there and that most of the folks in there were on ludes! By the time we got his stuff dropped off and did our own errands (more pills, lotion tissue and lozenges for moi included), I was totally pooped. Am totally pooped I guess. I also have almost no voice. This is the worst headcold I have had in a good long time. I'm just really glad that I don't get them very often. Fortunately, while I didn't actually accomplish a lot at work today, I did get things organized so, if I end up not going in tomorrow, things are all orderly and my helpers can just work away on the stuff I have left labeled and sorted out.

I know I shouldn't worry about missing work because, hello, I'm sick. It's hard though. With this restructuring that is going on, I'm the only person working in my current unit and I'm supposed to be figuring out how to train a bunch of folks who will be doing my old job while, at the same time, learning my new job. Is it any wonder that everyone's been in sick in our office? Yikes. Anyway, I'm heading to bed. 'night gals!

So I'm sitting at my desk right now. I just finished eating my lunch because I was actually hungry 45 minutes ago. My head is filling up again, my nose is red and bloody from blowing it so gosh-darned much and I can't think of anything I'd like to do more than go home right now.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

on the mend

I stayed home from work today.

I didn't get much sleep last night. For some reason, I sleep better when I can actually breathe. Go figure! I didn't get much sleep today but I did blow my nose about 200 times and got some rest. Tonight, I'm actually feeling better than I have in at least 36 hours. My nose is the worst for it though. It's red and sore. If it weren't for Puffs with lotion, my nose would probably be on the floor right now.

I didn't exercise this morning but I also didn't eat a whole lot today so I guess it balanced itself out. I imagine that I will do some light cardio again tomorrow morning and I fully plan to be back at work too. I hated to not go today, I have so much stuff piled up on my desk, but I just could not face it. My head was pounding and my eyes were watering all day from the sinus pain.

On that note, I'm heading off to bed again. Hopefully to breathe while sleeping. It makes for such a more restful night when one can actually breathe!

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

just like people I hate

This morning I went in to work despite being sick. I hate to do this, I generally get pissed off when others do this but, seeing how I know that I got this head cold at the office I didn't feel too bad about it. I had a meeting this morning that couldn't have been missed so I wandered around with a jug of water in one hand and a box of kleenex in the other. I wasn't treated like a pariah though, more like the last kid on the block who gets the chicken pox. The others are allowed to play with you because they have all had it already.

By 1:15 though, I was fading fast and headed for home. I rested all afternoon but I still feel incredibly shitty right now. I have had bouts of fighting the cold off and on all winter but this is the first full-blown actual head cold I've had all winter. I had a bad stomach flu in January but not a red-nose, can't breathe/can't sleep cold. I shouldn't complain I guess. Some folks in my office have had this 2 or 3 times already. I hate to think of how sick I might have been (given the stress and illness in our office) if I hadn't been eating right, taking vitamins and exercising regularly!

Last night I didn't sleep much and when I woke up, I sat on the edge of the bed thinking "exercise? no exercise?" for about 10 minutes. Eventually, I came to the decision that some exercise couldn't hurt. I didn't do any resistance training but I did some light cardio. I actually felt better afterwards so I was glad that I did it. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. I'm planning on over-medicating myself again very soon in hopes of actually getting some sleep tonight!!

Monday, March 22, 2004

silent but stuffy

I'm a little surprised with myself for not posting at all over the weekend. This is just not ordinarily like me. I'd like to say that I didn't post because I was busy, off doing things exotic and strange. Alas, this was not the case. Not at all. Actually, very little was accomplished around my house this weekend.

After weighing in with a one pound loss on Saturday morning (that's 3 pounds in two weeks!!) I decided that I'd take a break from exercising on over the weekend. I really felt like I needed the break and while I kept my calories under control over the weekend, I did have a few little "scheduled" treats here and there. Yesterday, we didn't even go out of the house once. We had some weird snow storm action happening and we didn't need to go out for anything so we didn't. We were both up at 5 a.m. on Sunday for some weird reason, probably because this is the time that we're normally up (and complaining!) during the week. Rather than lay there and discuss how we weren't tired but didn't want to get up so early, we just got up. Silly huh? We put on some coffee, made some toast and finally started to watch The Office Season One that I'd picked up for my hunny for Christmas.

I almost never do this but I actually went back to bed at 12:30 or so and slept through 'til 3 p.m. I honestly had to drag myself out bed at 3 but I knew if I didn't get up then, I'd never get up and then I'd never get to sleep that night. When we got back to bed at 10 p.m., I had no trouble getting to sleep at all. I just chalked the tired feeling up to the fact that TOM is due any second. When I woke up this morning, I realized that I'd not moved at all during the night and that I'd slept all the way through (something that's not been happening for me lately). I actually felt pretty refreshed though, had no trouble getting up and actually worked out. TOM still hadn't started and all was well.

When I got into work, I couldn't tell if it was too hot or too cold in my office. My face was boiling hot but my hands were freezing cold. I was sweating and freezing at the same time. My head felt as if someone had turned on a faucet and it was filling up with water. Do you know that feeling? The feeling of actually knowing that something was hitting you? I've been fighting the office cold for several weeks now and I felt let down. I felt like that episode of the Simpsons, when Bart tells his immune system to lay down and let the germs win. By mid-afternoon I could hardly breathe and I was hacking a fair bit. I must admit that I feel much better right now so I'm hoping that all that water I've been drinking (and those Tangelos I've been eating) are helping to flush my system of germs. I just so don't need to be sick right now.

Tonight, after work, we went to Costco to stock up on veggies for the week. While we were there, my hunny treated me to the collectors edition of The Commitments that's just come out on DVD. He's so sweet, I think I'll watch a bit of it before I fall asleep tonight. There's a whole second disc full of stuff on it. I think I'll head off to bed right now actually...I'm thinking of medicating myself with some advil cold and sinus and trying to get some sleep. 'night ladies!!

Friday, March 19, 2004

just a quickie

I have much to say yet not much time to say it. Suffice to say that today was a great day foodwise. After work, neither of us were particularly hungry yet we both wanted something good (yet were both feeling too lazy to cook - go figure). We ended up doing errands and then picking up a thin crust pizza at the store and cooked it here. It was really yummy and not bad as far as calories go. Friday night is shaping up to be thin crust / veggie pizza night around here. It's nice treatie type of food to end the week on.

The working week ended on a high note for me. I had a fantabulous day at the office and am feeling pretty good about things in general. I'll definitely write more over the weekend. The cold I've been fighting for the past couple of weeks is attempting to go for another round with me and I'm really needing to get to bed.

Happy weekend ladies, hope it's a good one!!

Thursday, March 18, 2004

chompin' broccoli

I had a huge dinner tonight. I was totally starving for some reason. I totally pigged out on broccoli tonight. I'm probably going to pay for it later on but it was delicious that I just couldn't stop eating it. It totally satisfied me too, I'm happily full, not bloated and feeling gross. Somehow, pigging out on broccoli figures into my daily calorie count better than a pig out on chocolate would. Go figure!?

Today was day 11 in a row of exercising. Even though I had a bit of difficulty getting moving on Monday and Tuesday, the later part of the week has been much much better and I'm really enjoying how I feel when I'm finished. I'm really feeling my leg muscles these days. I can flex them and they're making my fat bop around in a good way. Somehow when it's your muscles making it jiggle, it's cool. I can also feel my arm muscles growing. If I touch the side of my arm when I flex my bicep, I can really feel them. They're hard and feel very cool. I've still got a lot of flab on the arms but the foundation is getting stronger and stronger and I'm hoping that more of the arm fat will melt away sooner rather than later. I know that I've been pushing myself a bit harder lately. Trying to accomplish more repetitions in the same amount of time. I'm definitely working up more of a sweat and I'm feeling a difference in my pants so basically, it's all good this week.

Next week though, TOM is due and, if I'm not really careful, I could undo what I've accomplished over the past couple of weeks. I'm going to work hard to not let it happen though. I think I'm heading in a good direction though. On the way home tonight, we stopped off at Loblaws to pick up some prescriptions for our little old guy and I really really wanted a treat. Something in the gooey family, sweet and sticky. I didn't get gooey but I did get sweet: a gorgeous pint of fresh strawberries!!! Yay me. I'm pretty happy about that too....strawberries, not chocolate, wool dress pants instead of baggy casuals....yep, it's definitely all good this week!!

Wednesday, March 17, 2004


Yesterday I wore a pair of my favourite blue pants to work. I have two pairs of them and they are really comfortable. At one point in the morning, I went to the restroom and caught a glimpse of myself, sideways, in the mirror (our ladies room is silly with mirrors). I realized that the pants looked ridiculous on me. They were way too big. I had mixed feelings about this as I'm sort of too small for my current "big" pants and still a little too big for my current "smaller" pants. I have weeded out my wardrobe so much that it's slim pickin's as it is and I cannot afford to buy any new stuff right now.

Fast forward to this morning. It's Saint Patty's day and I'm looking for some green to wear. I did into the back of the closet and I find a pair of dress pants I bought to wear to my grandmother's funeral in 1997. These are wool pants that button up, no elastic waistband, the real deal. It's been at least 3 years since I've been able to get into these babies. For a larf, I pull them on this morning...whaddya know, they fit! Not only that, I didn't have to wear a long sweater with them, I put a short t-shirt on with them and it looked pretty good. Of course, it was freezing in our office today so I had to keep my cardigan on all day but hey, 7 year old pants without elastic. I felt pretty good.

After work tonight, I had my regular monthly check-in with my doctor. I told her about the stress related over eating that happened around the time of all the work crap and she was happy to hear that the shit was back in order and that I was almost back into virgin (ie pre-Christmas) fat again. I'm confident that for my next visit, I'll be showing a good loss again and all will be good with the world.

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. today and wasn't able to get back to sleep so I'm pretty pooped at the moment. I'm heading off to bed (yes, I know it's not yet 8 p.m.) but such is my exciting rock'n'roll lifestyle!

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

is it the weekend yet?

All afternoon I had a niggling tension headache. I thought it was tension at the time but I think now that it was related to the weather pressure. There is a major (MAJOR) snow storm happening all around us but it's not doing anything here. It's just really cold and windy, yet, there is no air. You know what I mean? I was plugging away at my desk this afternoon, trying hard to concentrate on this spreadsheet I was working on and my head just kept pounding away. I really didn't want to take anything so I just kept sipping my water, hoping it would disappear. I had my windoze media player on shuffle and was only half listening to the music coming through my headphones when "Pretty Fly For a Rabbi" by Weird Al popped on. It totally made me laugh and suddenly, my headache was starting to ebb away.

By the time I left work it was creeping back so I broke down and took one regular strength ibuprofen with my dinner and my head's clear now. I feel much better. I also had a great food day. We were out for dinner with the little old guy but I still kept thing under control. He wanted salad for dinner so that was easy. I had a great salad and some pasta. I can't remember the last time I'd had pasta and I really enjoyed it. I also was good at keeping things in line so it wasn't a total disaster. After dinner, we stopped off at Costco to stock up on veggies so we'll be eating at home for the rest of the week. They have the most gorgeous portabello mushrooms and sweet peppers there. I'm also digging the tangelos in a big way lately. I'm enjoying them a lot more than I thought that I would and they have less calories than oranges so that's kind of cool.

I had a pretty good workout this morning. Today makes it 9 days in a row. Not too bad huh? Getting up was easier today than it had been yesterday too. I can feel this cold thing that I've been fighting. It's definitely trying to kick my ass but I'm not letting it. I'm concentrating on drinking lots of fluids while I'm at work. Water and herbal tea mostly. This is making me have to run to the loo a lot but I'm hoping that it's flushing the germs away. I just don't want to get sick right now. Around me at the office, folks are wheezing and coughing and it's really gross and it doesn't sound like anything I want to have a more intimate relationship with right now. I'm sure that's why I've been so tired lately but I'd rather be a little tired from fighting a cold than flat out in bed with a head full of snot!!

On an unrelated note, if you have good vibes to spare, or you believe in the power of "prayer," send some good stuff Lee's way. She's got a beautiful brand new nephew who could use some good vibes right now.

Monday, March 15, 2004

monday again

The weekend is, again, a blur. Our lazy weekend turned into a working weekend as we tore the house up yesterday. It was good, needed doing, but yikes. It made the day just fly by. We're still getting the house ready for our little old guy to move in and it's a fair little bit of work. We're sorting through stuff, chucking stuff out. Just getting organized.

Overall, eating was pretty good. After having such a great week last week, and exercising every day (yep, 7 days, count 'em!), I treated myself to a couple of small things over the weekend. After we finished our errands on Saturday afternoon, I gave into my chocolate craving in a very civilized way. We went over to the bulk barn and I picked out a few small chocolately things (but different things --- this is why I love the bulk barn) as a treat. When we got home, I enjoyed them. They were super yummy and totally controlled so all is good. I'm relearning about moderation and planning. I know it works for me, I just have to keep reminding myself!!

Today was another perfectly on plan day. My workout this morning wasn't fabulous though. I had a really difficult time getting out of bed this morning and was moving very slowly for a while. I'm still feeling tired right actually and am planning an early night. I know I'm still fighting my battle with the office cold but I'm determined to win!!

This week's Progress Prompt is all about the blogs. When reading your favorite weight loss journals/blogs:

1. Name one thing that you like the most about them.

I like frequent posters. Even if things aren't going well (or heck, if they are -- make me jealous!!), I like to know what's happening with people. Everything that is happening in our lives affects what's happening as we work on this health and fitness thing so it's important to hear about it.

2. Name one thing that you don't like about them.

I admire anyone who is willing to put it out there and write about their lives. The only thing that I may not like, from time to time, is the formatting of a page. Only if the colours are hard to read (like a dark coloured text on a dark background). I don't like to strain when I read.

3. Name one thing that you would like to see in them.

My feeling is that whatever someone feels comfortable posting is fine with me. I'm not about to start to preaching about content. That should be left to the individual.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

happy weekend

Despite my best intentions, I wasn't able to sleep in this morning. I was up shortly after 6 a.m. but felt great. I was still a little stuffy again this morning but not as bad as yesterday. The sun was shining when I got up and it's looking a cold but gorgeous day out there. My hunny's not working today either so we're just chillin' today.

Last night we ended up at Pizza Hut for dinner. It wasn't bad though, we had thin crust veggie pizza and salad with diet pepsi. We really enjoyed it but didn't go nuts (ie cheese stuffed pepperoni lovers). On the way home, we had that wouldn't-it-be-nice-to-have-something-bad conversation but went straight home anyway. I didn't even bother with a cookie or fat free jello pudding. Our treat dinner really satisfied me and I left it at that.

This morning when I weighed in, I was down 2 pounds!! I'm really happy about that and am inching ever closer into that virgin fat territory I so desperately want to get back into. I think that the loss is helping me out today. We had the "should we go out for breakfast" discussion earlier and opted to stay home. Because we stayed home (and the sunshine was pouring into our living room in such a beautiful way), I hopped on my recumbent bike while we watched NYPD (taped from Tuesday night). I generally do a 20 minute interval program and can manage between 4.25 & 4.5 miles on average. This morning I rode 4.96 miles. I almost broke 5 miles!!! It felt so good to be that close, particularly when Saturday is my official exercise "break" day.

We have some errands to do this afternoon, for us and the little old guy. I'm hoping to squeeze a nice walk outside in too. I feel just fabulous today, because of the 2 pounds and the extra exercise. I'm feeling stronger and slimmer than I have in a good long while. Yay me!!!

Friday, March 12, 2004

thinner day

Don't get me wrong, I have never been nor will I ever be a skinny girl. It's not in my genetic make up and I'm fine with it (think "big boned gal" by k.d. lang). My goal all along has been improved overall health and longevity. Having said that, I'm feeling thinner today than I have in a while. I'm thinking that it's because I've managed 5 days of avoiding crap. The carb bloat I'd been experiencing seems to be disappearing and I've return to just plain old fat. It's pretty frightening to see what over processed / bad carbs will do to a body. It hasn't stopped me wanting them though. For some reason, it's been a huge struggle all this week but it's helped so much to know that I have support here and over at Weigh Better.

Last night, after dinner, the cravings got really bad. We had bought a package of "Nutter Butters" in Watertown on the weekend (if you can buy them here in Canada I've never seen 'em - that's why we picked 'em up on the weekend, for a treat). There were about 15 cookies left in a rubbermaid container sitting on the counter. I kept looking at them while I did the dishes and, after everything was cleaned up and put away, I got myself a huge glass of ice water and grabbed ONE cookie. Just one. I munched on it while I sat in front of the computer, checking my email. It was delicious, and it was enough to feed my craving and I didn't go over on my calories for the day. This was a huge accomplishment for me, to just have one cookie. Thinking about it now, I'm impressed that we had that many left over and that they lasted all week! I know that I used to do this sort of thing all the time when I first started on my program...exhibit self control without feeling deprived. It's something that I'm relearning this week.

I think that avoiding junk in general is what's been helping me keep this cold thing at bay too. I woke up all stuffy again this morning but I exercised anyway. After 35 minutes of sweating, my head cleared up a bit. I'm really hoping the good workouts I've had, combined with the good food choices will help show a difference on the scale tomorrow. Even if they don't, for whatever reasons (my scale is possessed!), I'll be okay with that. I'm trying to be satisfied with the knowledge that every choice I made this week was good for me.

Right now, I'm a little worried about the weekend. That's always a huge test for me, getting through a whole weekend without fucking it up. I brought some work home with this weekend (not a lot, just a little) and I have some projects I need to sort out around here so I'm hoping that will keep me busy enough to avoid temptation. I also received the first issue of my new subscription to Shape in the mail today so I'll be reading that (along with the Self I bought last week but still haven't read yet). Just looking at the girl on the cover of the April issue of Shape is enough to make me not want to pick up any chocolate this weekend.

On that note, I'm heading off to find my hunny. We've both stayed perfectly on plan all week and I think we're going to treat ourselves to dinner out tonight. Not sure where exactly we'll end up but I've got my steel-toed boots on to kick myself or him if we try to order anything deep fried or covered in cheese!!

Thursday, March 11, 2004

hanging in

I would never have thought that it would be possible to have 8 different meetings in an 8 hour day but, it is! That was my day today, meeting to meeting to meeting (and then to meeting again). Somehow I survived it and I'm only feeling slightly brain dead at the moment.

This morning I promised myself that I wouldn't let the busy day thing throw me off. Before my first meeting (an hour into my work day), I had a banana and a cup of tea. I sipped water all through the meetings and even managed to run back to my desk for my healthy lunch at one point!! I didn't have a snack this afternoon though so my tummy's a rumblin' as I smell my dinner cooking downstairs. Have I mentioned lately how incredibly lucky I am to have very own, personal (not to mention sexy) chef in the house? It's so lovely to not have to cook dinner, I don't mind cleaning up (although he often does that too) if someone's made me a wonderful low-fat, gourmet meal!! I'm lucky, I know!! It's wonderful, trust me!!

On the way home from work, I mentioned to my chef that I really felt tempted to cheat today. I don't know why, I think it's the meeting fatigue that makes me want to eat bad stuff. I purposely avoided a departmental pot luck at noon because I didn't think I could trust myself. I mean, I'm not a big fan of potlucks anyway because I know that some folks in our department have a tonne of pets and they let them roam hither and yon, across the kitchen. Cat hair in my food is not something that this allergic-to-cats chickie is willing to risk. I also like to know exactly is in what I'm eating in these situations and you just never can trust what's in stuff or under what conditions it was prepared. Paranoid? Yeah, but when I'm watching my calories so closely, I just don't like to chance it, yanno?

I feel like I'm kicking this cold bug's ass. The sore throat is almost gone. I slept really really well last night. For the first time in a couple of weeks I actually slept the entire night through. I worked out this morning before heading to the office and actually feel pretty good right now. Again, I'm pleased that I didn't stop off somewhere on the way home for sweets or something else that I shouldn't be having right now. On that note, I think dinner is ready and I'm looking forward to a perfectly-on-plan mean to end out my perfectly-on-plan day!! Hope you had a good one too!!

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

chocolate is my bitch

Again, today, the chocolate cravings were brutal. You have NO idea (okay, if you're reading this blog, you probably do) what it was like. I can hardly believe that I survived it!

Work was busy today but not insane. I'm getting much better at controlling my emotions and I'm getting some help from others within the department so things aren't as scary as they were at the beginning of the week. I actually had time to eat my lunch and snacks today and felt better for it. It feels like things are getting more manageable now, I'm stressed but not crazy stressed. Like I said, manageable is the keyword!

Food was good today. I had a banana for morning snack, ate my lunch and then had a tangelo for my afternoon snack. It was so tasty and juicy but the sourness of it shocked me. It's been so long since I had one I'd forgotten. I mean, it looks like an orange, it kind of smells like an orange but boy howdy, it was sour. Good sour though, really really yummy once I adjusted to it.

I had to leave work early this afternoon as my hunny and I both had eye appointments. We both got clean check ups (which, yay, means not having to purchase new glasses for either of us -- that saved us about $700!!) but were both brain dead and tired after the appointment (not to mention my pupils are STILL dilated right now). We decided to go out for dinner and did okay. I had fish and salad and managed to stick way under in the calorie department for the day. After dinner though, I said to my hunny, "this is when I really want to be bad, when I really want dessert." He agreed and said that it's chemical because your body thinks it needs the glucose to digest dinner. We were strong in the restaurant and didn't order any dessert; this was not an easy feat! It seemed like everyone around us was either having huge ice cream sundaes or Mississippi mud pie.

After we left the restaurant, we had to do some banking. As we pulled into the plaza, we both sort of kept looking over toward the Shoppers Drug Mart and the Loeb store. We both really wanted to go across the plaza and get something sweet, ice cream or something like it. We finished our banking and got back into the car and actually discussed the possibility of having one little treat. I put my foot down though and said, "let's just get home, I have to pee and anything that we get now, we'll just regret later." He agreed totally and we came home. On the way home I pointed out that we had lots of fresh fruit, sugar free freezies, fat free pudding cups, etc. to snack on and that's what we did. I had a pudding, he had a tangelo and some prunes. I told him that I was going to make chocolate my bitch, not have it the other way around. I feel SOOOO good about that.

Add all of that to the exercise I did this morning and it adds up to a great day. I must admit, when I woke up this morning, I could feel that I was fighting the cold that everyone in my office seems to have right now but I did it anyway. I started out slow and ended up doing a great workout. I was sweaty and tired when it was over but I felt much better. I have to keep focused on how good I feel at the end of a perfectly on plan day and try not to forget it when my chocolate comes by me, shaking her sweet ass in my face!!

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

kickin' ass on day 2, oh Justine, where are you?

Today has gone super well. I managed to keep totally, 100% on plan with my eating. Now, this might not seem like anything difficult but folks, I was in Costco tonight. I was there for about 30 minutes. I bought carrots and broccoli and more peppers and some bottled water and some smoked turkey but nothing "bad" (although we did pick up Season 3 of Futurama on DVD). We wandered past the baked goods, past the easter chocolate, the ice cream...but I didn't stop, for anything. After yesterday I feel that this is a particularly huge accomplishment. I just kept telling myself how I didn't need it and, really, didn't want it. I feel so pleased with myself for not indulging tonight, for not talking myself into one little "treat."

On Saturday, when we were in Syracuse, the little Girl Scouts were set up about every 20 feet with tables covered in cookies. Every time we'd walk by, I'd hear a little voice say, "would you like to buy some cookies?" Every time, I'd say to myself (out loud but quiet), "Yes I would, but I'm not going to!"

Anyway, it's been a super long day (although not as bad as yesterday so my head's not pounding quite so much) so I'm heading off to bed. Oh, by the way, Justine, I wrote you an email in response to your comment yesterday but it bounced. Please drop me an email, I'd like to resend the note to you.

Monday, March 08, 2004

oh chocolate...sweet sweet temptress....

Day one of being back on track has been weird. Right now, more than anything, all I can think about is how much I want some chocolate. On the ride home from work it kept popping into my head. This is not PMS related, this is stress related. Work is still going badly. I've found that I'm not letting work shit creep into my thoughts while I'm at home. Somehow I've figured out how to block it all out when I'm not at the office. While I'm at work though, it's insane. I'm the only person left in our unit since my boss left and I'm really overwhelmed. It's not that I'm being asked to do anything that I can't do (because I've been very clear about what I can and cannot do since she left), it's just the workload. It's suffocating me to the point where I'm not being productive at all. I spent this morning in a transition workshop (related to the re-org) and when I got back to the office, my head was throbbing. I decided to talk to my director tomorrow and find out if I can get some help in, pronto. I don't want to fuck stuff up and I am fairly certain that they don't want me going off on stress leave or worse. Hopefully I'll be able to get someone in soon. Something has to give, I just can't take it anymore. On top of that, I'm going to have to be training folks who will take over what I've been doing and learn a new job at the same time. It's a lot of balls to keep in the air.

Through this all though, today, I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to let what's going on around me throw me off my program. I was really successful too. I worked out this morning and had a healthy breakfast. At lunchtime, I came home and had a lovely salad and a yogurt. Tonight we're having something with shrimp and tofu and veggies (not sure what yet but I'm sure it'll be lovely). Even though I knew that what I was doing was good for me, I still keep thinking about chocolate. I mean, I could go get some and eat it. Chocolate is not going to make me feel better though, not in the long run. It might give me a quick sugar / caffeine rush but the remorse and calories is not worth it. I feel pretty good about not giving into it. It's a relief to be home and in my safe, chocolate-free environment.

This week I'm physically feeling better too. My back was wonky for almost an entire week. That never happens, I couldn't believe how long it lasted this time. It's always something that is brought on by stress but it usually goes away after a day or so. Last week though, it dragged on and on. It made me miss my workouts and they are my number one source of stress relief at the moment. I'm so happy to be back on my exercise program. I had no idea how crappy I was feeling last week until this morning when I realized that I was all better.

Overall this week, I'm really focusing on 100% on track eating, workouts every day and, hopefully, a lower number on the scale on Saturday. Looking back over what I've just typed, I can feel my headache ebbing away with the chocolate craving. I don't know how I'd cope if I couldn't just pour everything out there like I do.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

back to basics

To say that my efforts lately have been lackadaisical at best would be an understatement. I've had intense work crap going on as well as silly family drama recently and I've used these events as excuses to not give my very best to my program. That's ending today.

My hunny and I have talked it over and we're not going to use any external crap to excuse bad behavior any longer. Now, we weren't so far off the mark that we were both gaining weight like crazy, that didn't happen. Somehow we managed to maintain over the past few weeks. I don't want to maintain any longer, I want to lose again. I want to see those numbers getting smaller on the scale instead of staying exactly the same for weeks on end.

At the beginning of the year I was full of vigor and inspiration and I've allowed crazy stuff that I can't control pick away at it. I'm not going to allow that to happen anymore. I've said it before (because it's totally true), I deserve better than what I've been giving myself recently. I deserve to have a strong and healthy body. I deserve to have a body that will allow me to live to a really really old age. Doing half-assed workouts or eating hit and miss meals at odd times (or missing some meals and then over eating at others) isn't doing either of us any good. Also, we've just been plain old eating out way too much recently. Not only is it not the healthiest thing to be doing, it's getting stupidly expensive.

Monday morning we're going to head back to boot camp. We're going to get back to our regime (that we love and makes us feel so good) tomorrow. We went out for groceries this afternoon and we're totally stocked up with good stuff. We got a huge container of mixed organic greens, a tonne of portabellos, sweet peppers and a bag of five romaine hearts at Costco. Our freezer is full of lean pork and skinless chicken breasts....our tofu and fruit are stocked up...same with the cereal and soy milk. We're all set for a back on track week.

You're not going to hear anymore excuses for this chickie, the scale will have moved in a downward direction come Saturday morning!!

Saturday, March 06, 2004

shopping survival

I am so not a mall rat anymore. I know that I used to be but that was years ago, in high school probably. Today, my hunny and I decided to take a road trip down to Syracuse. We wanted to pick up some Diet Coke with Lime (it totally rawks -- we drink our diet coke with real lime all the time, this is a fabulous product that will hopefully be available in Canada soon) as well as some Special K with Almond & Vanilla. We also wanted to check out some computer type stuff and I wanted to visit JC Penney & Lane Bryant.

We ended up at the Carousel Center. It was a zoo. It was also about a million degrees in there, I swear that they still had the heat on!! We managed to get a fabulous parking spot by Kaufmann's and wandered through the mall, looking around for the stores we knew that we wanted to check out. There were huge line-ups everywhere. I couldn't believe it. One thing that I learned today is that there are not nearly enough women's washrooms in the place. Every restroom had at least a 10-15 minute wait.

Eventually, I was able to find a directory and locate Lane Bryant. It was exactly where it had been last time I was in the mall but that was so long ago I can't even remember. I was in luck because I needed to find some new bras and they have a huge sale on bras and other stuff like that. Miracle of miracles, I actually found some stuff that I liked. I picked out four bras and some undies and turned around to make my way to the cash. There were at least 30 women in line ahead of me. I stood in the line for a few minutes and did some calculations about the exchange rate and the actual prices of what I was holding in my hands. It didn't take long for me to put the stuff back and go back into the mall, where my hunny was patiently waiting for me. I was a little disappointed but I just couldn't imagine standing in that line for what looked like would be 30 to 45 minutes. Insanity!! For undies!! I don't think so. It probably didn't help that it was after 3 p.m. and we'd not yet had lunch.

We decided to get outside, get some fresh air and rethink the whole thing. Once we got to the car, we decided that it would be a better use of our time to just head back up to Watertown and get what we wanted at the grocery store there. We had a great time. We found the cereal and the pop as well as some fat free salad dressings that we can't find here and some Zesty Honey Mustard by Gulden's that looks really yummy. Watertown's actually less than a hour from here so we may go back again soon if we find that we like the stuff we found today.

I didn't do a proper workout this morning but we did a tonne of walking today. Other than the no air in the mall thing, the walking felt good. All of the time spent in the car on the other hand, was a little exhausting. I'm sure that we'll sleep well tonight. Tomorrow I do plan to do a proper workout first thing in the morning and then Monday, as I said before, totally back on track with that. On that note, I'm heading off to bed. Hope you're having a good weekend so far, I know that I certainly am!

Friday, March 05, 2004

the french

One of things that really helped me get through this week at work is music. I mean, I've always got my headphones on but this week in particular I realized that everytime stuff would just feel ridiculously unbearable, I'd put my copy of "Local Information" by The French on and it would just make me feel SOOOOO much better. I'm not sure why but I can't stop listening to the song The Wu-Tang Clan, it just makes me smile. I guess this is relevant to this blog only because it's helped me to maintain my mental health this week.

Today I'm feeling like my old self. I'm not working today but I was up early anyway. My back is still a little stiff but I managed to get onto the bike for a short while this morning. I've also already done 2 loads of laundry, cleaned up the main floor of the house and have just finished scrubbing down the the bathroom. I think this is pretty good considering how much I've been hobblin' along all week. I'm going to do gentle exercise all weekend and by Monday, I should be back to full steam with my workouts. I've also half planned out our meals for the weekend so that should help me keep the weekend munchies at bay.

A couple of weeks ago, Meredith sent me a note about the March issue of Self magazine. She told me that there was a mention of this blog on Page 73. I was really surprised to hear this and spent the next week and a bit frantically trying to locate a copy of the magazine locally. Every place I went to was still carrying the February issue (I even found one store that still had the January issue on the shelf!). Finally, Wednesday night, I was able to find a copy of the magazine. Heather was nice enough to scan her copy and post it at the Weigh-Better board so I actually got to see it last week.

In "real life" there are only 3 people who know about this particular blog. It felt a little weird to see the URL (they only mentioned the URL, not my name, I didn't even know that they were doing this) for my little page in a big magazine like Self. Most of my offline friends are not all that savvy when it comes to computer stuff so I never worry about them stumbling onto this page. In the store, I opened the magazine to page 73 and sort of looked around and remember thinking that now, anyone in the store could just go to it and read this blog. Not that they couldn't before but before, you'd sort of have to know what you were looking for. I know that I've had a few more hits to my page over the past couple of weeks. It's kind of cool. I know that having this blog has helped me in so many ways. Sometimes when things are just getting to me, writing them down and letting it flow helps to put it into perspective. If you would like to see the article, just click here. It's pretty cool and I'm a little surprised that out of all the links that they could of put up, they put mine but I'm happy about it nonetheless!

I think I'm going to jump in the shower (which is nice and clean again!) and head off to do a bunch of errands. I'm feeling so much better right now than I have all week, I don't even mind that it's pouring rain right now!!

Thursday, March 04, 2004

little by little

Finally, I'm starting to feel better. I realized about an hour ago that the pain had subsided to a dull thud. I'm going to have to be careful of what I do for the next few days but I'm finally walking tall again. For the past few days I've been sort of hunched over.

I'm definitely planning to get back to my workout routine starting tomorrow. Feeling like I do at the moment, I see no reason why I shouldn't. Today so far too, my eating has been on track. Yesterday wasn't horrible either now that I think about it. Not fabulous but not too bad. I quickly hopped on the scale this morning, expecting to see a huge gain (although it's not official until Saturday) but I was happy to see that it was the same as on the weekend. Status quo is good enough for me, particularly after several days of not exercising.

Work doesn't feel as horrible today as it has all week. I know that the back pain (which was caused by stress) was creating a different kind of stress all on it's own and I'm sure that's why I had so many mini-meltdowns this week. Looking back over the past couple of days I now see that I've actually accomplished a lot this week and feel pretty good about it. I'm really looking forward to just kicking back this weekend and trying to forget about all the bad crap that we've been dealing with recently. Not exactly sure what we'll end up doing but I'm sure it'll be fun. I'm not thinking about that too much either, I'm just happy to be feeling better, finally!!

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

hurtin' unit

If you can believe it (I sure can't!), my back is still mucked up. It's better than it was yesterday but only marginally. I know that I should have stayed home from work yesterday but I just couldn't. I stuck it out and was really uncomfortable. I probably made a tonne of mistakes but at least I was here. I'm here again today, uncomfortable and prone to tears if someone asks me how things are going (in a unit that should have 4 people in it, on my own!). Not fun!

The stress is really getting to me. We've also had some family "fun" to deal with this week. My hunny's no good, deadbeat, fuck-wit, asshole brother is in the hospital. At first we didn't believe it (because his lying asshole wife called the little old guy) but we confirmed the information with North York General yesterday in the morning. The little old guy is prone to getting things wrong when it comes to medical terms and names. Last year, LOG was in the hospital recovering from a dissected aorta and, for weeks after getting out he couldn't remember what he had suffered from. Finally, when John Ritter died from a dissected aorta, he was able to tell folks, "yeah, I had that thing that killed Jack from 3's Company!"). Anyway, he told us that his son was suffering from a relapse of Wegner's Disease. I found this to be odd because this is a disease that affects babies. After many phone calls and digging around, we discovered that he actually has Wegener's Disease. Different spelling, quite different disease. He's pretty seriously ill and it's causing all kinds of logistical problems on our end as we live about 2.5 hours east of where he is. The LOG doesn't really want to make the trip but would like to see him (impossible!!?), my hunny doesn't want to go because he hasn't talked to his brother in 10 years. It's all just lovely and fun in a disgustingly complicated and horrible way.

We were supposed to go to Ottawa tomorrow night to see the Smugglers and the Evaporators but I don't think that's happening now. I had Friday booked off and, when I realized we may not go to Ottawa, I was going to cancel it. I'm thinking now that I'm going to take the day, try to convince my hunny to take it too and just try to chill out. Goodness knows we both need some down time.

As I'm sure you can imagine, meals have been sporadic at best and working out hasn't happened because of the back thing. It's shaping up to be a complete wash out of a week. Hopefully once I get through hump-day it'll improve. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Hope you are all having a better week than I am!

Tuesday, March 02, 2004


It's been a few days since I've posted but I have a reason. On Sunday afternoon, my back went kerfluey again. This is the same thing that always happens and it almost always happens because of stress. I know that all of the stress over the past couple of weeks has just finally manifested itself in my back. I can do all kinds of exercises to make my back stronger (and trust me, when it's feeling fine, I'm very strong, I can lift all kinds of stuff, no problem) but it doesn't make any difference when the stress hits. It's feeling much better today but I'm having to be careful not to twist the wrong way. Sunday afternoon/evening and all day yesterday were spent on the heating pad, popping ibuprofens. I've been around, just not in front of the computer.

I'm back at work today but didn't exercise this morning. I'll get back into it again tomorrow I'm sure, at least in some kinder, gentler way.