I'm happy to report that the eating while hungry thing continued over the weekend. It even worked today. It's a nice feeling and I'm enjoying the control.
Yesterday afternoon though, for some unknown to me reason, I starting jonesing for M&M peanut candies. Not just a little bag, I wanted that jumbo sized party bag from Costco. The one that costs $10. I kept thinking about driving out there (it's no where close to my home) and having them to eat while we watched the Sopranos finale.
Fortunately, I was able to talk myself out it and when I knew that the store was closed, I knew I'd won. It wasn't easy but I did it. I still can't figure out why I wanted them. Could be hormonal I guess, or nothing at all. It did pass though, thank goodness. Curse you yellow bag of candy goodness!!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Friday, June 08, 2007
the fewer thoughts, the better
I've been off from work for the past few days. I worked Monday and Tuesday and booked the rest of the week off. Part of the reason for this was because we had tickets to a concert which was happening out of town. That was on Wednesday, the past couple of days, I've been just hanging out at home, puttering a bit and doing very little else.
Honestly, a good chunk of yesterday was spent sleeping because we got home in the middle of the night after the show. Today was also kind of lazy (although my hunny went back to work today) for me.
I've noticed that since I've been off from work this week, I've thought a lot less about what I am eating and when I am eating. The first two days of the break, I actually ate very little, only one meal yesterday any only really two on Wednesday. Now, yesterday's meal was very large and it happened in the late afternoon but still, it was definitely less than I would normally consume. Normally, when I'm out of my work routine, it seems like I eat constantly. The past couple of days though, I've not really thought about eating and have only done so when I'm hungry.
Cool huh?
I know that normal sized folks probably do this all the time, eat when hungry and not at other times. For me, a fat girl, this is something I'd love to do on a regular basis, listen to my whole body and not just my head. I'm hoping that this has been the start of something new and cool for me. It may not last for long or it may be the start of a new habit. I'm hoping for the habit thing because it actually feels pretty good right now.
Honestly, a good chunk of yesterday was spent sleeping because we got home in the middle of the night after the show. Today was also kind of lazy (although my hunny went back to work today) for me.
I've noticed that since I've been off from work this week, I've thought a lot less about what I am eating and when I am eating. The first two days of the break, I actually ate very little, only one meal yesterday any only really two on Wednesday. Now, yesterday's meal was very large and it happened in the late afternoon but still, it was definitely less than I would normally consume. Normally, when I'm out of my work routine, it seems like I eat constantly. The past couple of days though, I've not really thought about eating and have only done so when I'm hungry.
Cool huh?
I know that normal sized folks probably do this all the time, eat when hungry and not at other times. For me, a fat girl, this is something I'd love to do on a regular basis, listen to my whole body and not just my head. I'm hoping that this has been the start of something new and cool for me. It may not last for long or it may be the start of a new habit. I'm hoping for the habit thing because it actually feels pretty good right now.
Monday, June 04, 2007
a picture shows a thousand pounds
Over the weekend, the weather was insanely warm. Hot really, steamy. We were back in our pool, finally, after missing it all winter. I had my new camera out on the deck yesterday. I was taking some photos of the birds in the yard and just general stuff, like I do.
I got into the pool before my hunny did and was floating around on the raft thing we have when I noticed him taking the lens cover off the camera. Slightly horrified, I tried not to freak out when I realized he was taking photos of the backyard, the pool and me. A sudden, serious storm blew in and the photos were forgotten while we hustled about, covering the pool and putting stuff away. Last night, I took the photos off the camera and saw the few he took with me in them. It was shocking. I was shocked anyway. It was upsetting too. I mean, I know what I look like, I see myself in the mirror every day. Hell, we have mirrored closet doors in our bedroom so I see myself naked in the mirror every day too. Something about seeing a photograph is different though. I looked way bigger than I imagine that I am. Don't get me wrong, I know how big I am but those photos, laying down, on the water, in a swimsuit, pale and white from the winter, it was all a bit much.
Last night, I didn't sleep well. That was more about getting too much sun yesterday than the photos. In between not sleeping, I had some weird dreams and one of them was about my weight. I guess the photos got to me more than I realized. Hopefully, this is a good slap in the face for me and I'll be able to pull up my socks and get my shit together.
I got into the pool before my hunny did and was floating around on the raft thing we have when I noticed him taking the lens cover off the camera. Slightly horrified, I tried not to freak out when I realized he was taking photos of the backyard, the pool and me. A sudden, serious storm blew in and the photos were forgotten while we hustled about, covering the pool and putting stuff away. Last night, I took the photos off the camera and saw the few he took with me in them. It was shocking. I was shocked anyway. It was upsetting too. I mean, I know what I look like, I see myself in the mirror every day. Hell, we have mirrored closet doors in our bedroom so I see myself naked in the mirror every day too. Something about seeing a photograph is different though. I looked way bigger than I imagine that I am. Don't get me wrong, I know how big I am but those photos, laying down, on the water, in a swimsuit, pale and white from the winter, it was all a bit much.
Last night, I didn't sleep well. That was more about getting too much sun yesterday than the photos. In between not sleeping, I had some weird dreams and one of them was about my weight. I guess the photos got to me more than I realized. Hopefully, this is a good slap in the face for me and I'll be able to pull up my socks and get my shit together.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
working at it
Intermittent posts are not good. Regular posts from me indicate a certain amount of structure in my life. Routine is not something that is happening for me recently.
Of the holy trinity of weight loss (healthy eating, regular exercise and lots of water), I am usually able to accomplish 1 or 2 at a time but rarely 3. This past week has found me enjoying a larger than normal (and definitely good) amount of water in my routine. I guess it's partly the warmer temperatures but I've become very aware of how important the water is for me, for a lot of reasons. Two really obvious ones are my skin and my digestion. Both are improving dramatically since I've stopped borderline dehydrating myself.
Exercise has been a little better over the past week or so as well. I'm definitely walking more so that's good. Eating is a struggle though. Meals are okay, I'm doing well with my portion sizes for the most part. The snacks kill me though. On the weekend, I devoured an entire back of salt and vinegar kettle chips in an afternoon. Did I need them? no. Did I enjoy them? I wish I could say no but yes, I really did.
Of course, the remorse set it later...too much fat, too much salt, not enough good stuff in my diet that day.
I guess I'll blame it on my hormones because I think TOM actually started today, on time. I say "I think" because last month of was a bunch of false starts that gave me my period, off and on, for about 2 weeks. It feels more like a normal cycle this month so I'm going with it.
Since the weekend, I've been working on the eating too. Again, always, baby steps right? I'll master the three things yet. It's just going to take me a while.
Of the holy trinity of weight loss (healthy eating, regular exercise and lots of water), I am usually able to accomplish 1 or 2 at a time but rarely 3. This past week has found me enjoying a larger than normal (and definitely good) amount of water in my routine. I guess it's partly the warmer temperatures but I've become very aware of how important the water is for me, for a lot of reasons. Two really obvious ones are my skin and my digestion. Both are improving dramatically since I've stopped borderline dehydrating myself.
Exercise has been a little better over the past week or so as well. I'm definitely walking more so that's good. Eating is a struggle though. Meals are okay, I'm doing well with my portion sizes for the most part. The snacks kill me though. On the weekend, I devoured an entire back of salt and vinegar kettle chips in an afternoon. Did I need them? no. Did I enjoy them? I wish I could say no but yes, I really did.
Of course, the remorse set it later...too much fat, too much salt, not enough good stuff in my diet that day.
I guess I'll blame it on my hormones because I think TOM actually started today, on time. I say "I think" because last month of was a bunch of false starts that gave me my period, off and on, for about 2 weeks. It feels more like a normal cycle this month so I'm going with it.
Since the weekend, I've been working on the eating too. Again, always, baby steps right? I'll master the three things yet. It's just going to take me a while.
Friday, May 18, 2007
beautiful people
Many thanks to all of you for your wonderful birthday wishes. I'd been away from my home computer for the past few days due to work. Today, I had time to catch my breath and read my email and your messages touched me very much. So again, thank you all.
This weekend is a long one here in Canada. Monday is Victoria. Smack in the middle of this weekend we will travel to Toronto and participate in an unveiling for LOG. It's the last "official" thing we have to do for him and it's a little bit sad.
Beyond that, there is not much to report. We had another successful event last night and even though I'm operating on about 3 hours sleep today, I don't feel bad.
For the record, I tried on "those" pants the other night. I pulled them and walked around and they felt okay. When I did the "sit test" on the end of the bed. I laughed and knew that there was no way I could sit through a dinner in them. Back into the closet they went. Next year! Without a doubt. Hell, we have another one of these fancy events in September, I'll be wearing them by then, comfortably, while sitting!!
Happy weekend everyone and again, thanks!
This weekend is a long one here in Canada. Monday is Victoria. Smack in the middle of this weekend we will travel to Toronto and participate in an unveiling for LOG. It's the last "official" thing we have to do for him and it's a little bit sad.
Beyond that, there is not much to report. We had another successful event last night and even though I'm operating on about 3 hours sleep today, I don't feel bad.
For the record, I tried on "those" pants the other night. I pulled them and walked around and they felt okay. When I did the "sit test" on the end of the bed. I laughed and knew that there was no way I could sit through a dinner in them. Back into the closet they went. Next year! Without a doubt. Hell, we have another one of these fancy events in September, I'll be wearing them by then, comfortably, while sitting!!
Happy weekend everyone and again, thanks!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
on cake
So there was a gorgeous cheesecake to be had on my birthday. You can drool over it if you want:
It weighed three pounds and was full of white chocolate, peanut butter and cream cheese. He actually made it with lower fat cream cheese and margarine instead of butter but goodness, it was decadent. I had a piece and a half on my birthday and a piece tonight. The rest of it went to the office, to friends, to some ladies my hunny knows. It's all gone. It was amazing but it was a birthday thing. It's over.
And now I'm 40. It's not as bad I once imagined it would be. Of course, the bad imagining happened in my teens. I'm a little more realistic about things now. I'm feeling good about the age thing and about myself. I had a little talk with myself and convinced myself that I'm not a bad person because I'm now 40 and still fat. By convetional standards, no matter how much weight I eventually lose, I'll likely still be considered fat. I'm not bothered by that. I just want to be healthy. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it.
One day at a time, I'm taking care of myself. Seriously. I mean it this time, I'm gonna do it!! Watch me!!!
It weighed three pounds and was full of white chocolate, peanut butter and cream cheese. He actually made it with lower fat cream cheese and margarine instead of butter but goodness, it was decadent. I had a piece and a half on my birthday and a piece tonight. The rest of it went to the office, to friends, to some ladies my hunny knows. It's all gone. It was amazing but it was a birthday thing. It's over.
And now I'm 40. It's not as bad I once imagined it would be. Of course, the bad imagining happened in my teens. I'm a little more realistic about things now. I'm feeling good about the age thing and about myself. I had a little talk with myself and convinced myself that I'm not a bad person because I'm now 40 and still fat. By convetional standards, no matter how much weight I eventually lose, I'll likely still be considered fat. I'm not bothered by that. I just want to be healthy. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it.
One day at a time, I'm taking care of myself. Seriously. I mean it this time, I'm gonna do it!! Watch me!!!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
a couple of weeks
it's been a while since I've posted. it's for a lack of thinking about posting, rather it's been about a lack of time to collect my thoughts properly and write here.
I wish I could say that during my absence, I have magically lost 100 pounds have had to run out and get a whole new wardrobe. Alas, I haven't even stepped on a scale and I know that my pants aren't falling off of me so I can safely assume that the status quo remains.
Sadly, this means that my short term, more comfortable pants goal of March has not been met. If I'm honest, part of me is disappointed with myself and part of mine is so exhausted from work (it's been insanely busy since the beginning of March) and I don't care. I mean, I care. I'll care on Thursday night when I'm sitting at a fancy dinner in tight pants but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.
Mostly, I'm not beating myself up because it's my birthday tomorrow. Today is the last day of my 30's and so far I've been spending it in my jammies, playing with the camera my hunny bought me for my birthday. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a white chocolate cheesecake in my near future too.
I've got other stuff to write about but it'll have to wait. The shower is calling my name and I want to get outside into the fresh air, with my new camera!
I wish I could say that during my absence, I have magically lost 100 pounds have had to run out and get a whole new wardrobe. Alas, I haven't even stepped on a scale and I know that my pants aren't falling off of me so I can safely assume that the status quo remains.
Sadly, this means that my short term, more comfortable pants goal of March has not been met. If I'm honest, part of me is disappointed with myself and part of mine is so exhausted from work (it's been insanely busy since the beginning of March) and I don't care. I mean, I care. I'll care on Thursday night when I'm sitting at a fancy dinner in tight pants but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.
Mostly, I'm not beating myself up because it's my birthday tomorrow. Today is the last day of my 30's and so far I've been spending it in my jammies, playing with the camera my hunny bought me for my birthday. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a white chocolate cheesecake in my near future too.
I've got other stuff to write about but it'll have to wait. The shower is calling my name and I want to get outside into the fresh air, with my new camera!
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