present

I'm still here, sort of.

The muddling on continues without a lot of posting. Over the summer I have not yet lost an ounce. I haven't gained anything either so it's not as bad as it could be.

A more serious effort is being made this week. Eating is getting better. Even when I'm "being bad" these days, I cannot eat anywhere close to what I once could.

that can't be bad I suppose.

i hate hormones

There are times when my hormones make me crazy.

Over the weekend, particularly on Saturday morning when a combination of PMS and allergies was driving me insane, I know I was a raging bitch. I'm not normally like this so I know that the allergies had a huge part to play in it.

We snacked on fresh fruit all weekend even though, in the back of my head, someone was screaming for chocolate. I made a banana bread, figuring that the sweet bread would curb that chocolate craving. It did not (although it was delicious - is delicious, we actually still have some left and I made it on Saturday).

All day today, chocolate. I want it but I know that I don't need it.

I'm at home right now, without easy access to the delicious brown stuff. I do have cocoa, and chocolate chips and could bake something but that smacks of effort.

I'll try not to bite my nails or scream. I'll ride this out but I am hating my hormones, hating PMS and am not particularly fond of whoever it was that discovered chocolate candy.

cut the crap

Snack stuff we bought for the weekend:

1. Tomatoes, 2 kinds (plum and grape)
2. Grapes
3. Blueberries
4. Baby Carrots
5. Watermelon
6. Raspberries

Things we didn't buy:

1. Licorice
2. Chips
3. Members of the Ice Cream Family
4. Anything with chocolate on it or in it

I have been really struggling with my food choices recently and I don't like the way I feel right now. My hunny is feeling the same way.

There really is no excuse for how we've been eating just lately, or how much exercise we have not been doing. Unfortunately, we've been able to come up with just about a million excuses for being little piggies and indulging ourselves. I try to make more good than bad choices but seriously, it's not enough.

The house has been purged of crap. We are truly supporting each other in this from this moment forward.

The fight on fat is on!

what?

Okay, where did the month go?

Well, I know that June was insanely busy at work so that explains my not being here up until around the 29th! Last week, we were booked off on a little mini-vacation (went to Montreal, had a fab time, you can read about it here). I've actually been posting pretty regularly over there because I'm doing some "sponsored blogging" and have been making a little bit of extra cash that way.

I've thought about everyone a lot and have been trying to get myself back on track over the past week or so. When work gets really busy, it's like I give myself permission to not care about stuff. I don't like that about myself and it's something that I'm working on.

It's been ridiculously hot here over the past few days which has contributed to a malaise which keeps me from exercising. I'm heading into the pool in a few minutes but that's not really exercise (not in our little pool anyway).

Overall, I feel kinda extra fat right now but I've been making pretty good food choices since we got back from Montreal so I know that I'll stop feeling that way soon. Always, with me, baby steps. It's boring to say but I keep saying it to myself and I know that by the time the fall rolls around, those pants will fit me better. In the meantime, I can honestly say that I still have not given in to the temptation which is that huge ass bag of Costco M&M's.

how are you doing?

mind over m&ms

I'm happy to report that the eating while hungry thing continued over the weekend. It even worked today. It's a nice feeling and I'm enjoying the control.

Yesterday afternoon though, for some unknown to me reason, I starting jonesing for M&M peanut candies. Not just a little bag, I wanted that jumbo sized party bag from Costco. The one that costs $10. I kept thinking about driving out there (it's no where close to my home) and having them to eat while we watched the Sopranos finale.

Fortunately, I was able to talk myself out it and when I knew that the store was closed, I knew I'd won. It wasn't easy but I did it. I still can't figure out why I wanted them. Could be hormonal I guess, or nothing at all. It did pass though, thank goodness. Curse you yellow bag of candy goodness!!

the fewer thoughts, the better

I've been off from work for the past few days. I worked Monday and Tuesday and booked the rest of the week off. Part of the reason for this was because we had tickets to a concert which was happening out of town. That was on Wednesday, the past couple of days, I've been just hanging out at home, puttering a bit and doing very little else.

Honestly, a good chunk of yesterday was spent sleeping because we got home in the middle of the night after the show. Today was also kind of lazy (although my hunny went back to work today) for me.

I've noticed that since I've been off from work this week, I've thought a lot less about what I am eating and when I am eating. The first two days of the break, I actually ate very little, only one meal yesterday any only really two on Wednesday. Now, yesterday's meal was very large and it happened in the late afternoon but still, it was definitely less than I would normally consume. Normally, when I'm out of my work routine, it seems like I eat constantly. The past couple of days though, I've not really thought about eating and have only done so when I'm hungry.

Cool huh?

I know that normal sized folks probably do this all the time, eat when hungry and not at other times. For me, a fat girl, this is something I'd love to do on a regular basis, listen to my whole body and not just my head. I'm hoping that this has been the start of something new and cool for me. It may not last for long or it may be the start of a new habit. I'm hoping for the habit thing because it actually feels pretty good right now.

a picture shows a thousand pounds

Over the weekend, the weather was insanely warm. Hot really, steamy. We were back in our pool, finally, after missing it all winter. I had my new camera out on the deck yesterday. I was taking some photos of the birds in the yard and just general stuff, like I do.

I got into the pool before my hunny did and was floating around on the raft thing we have when I noticed him taking the lens cover off the camera. Slightly horrified, I tried not to freak out when I realized he was taking photos of the backyard, the pool and me. A sudden, serious storm blew in and the photos were forgotten while we hustled about, covering the pool and putting stuff away. Last night, I took the photos off the camera and saw the few he took with me in them. It was shocking. I was shocked anyway. It was upsetting too. I mean, I know what I look like, I see myself in the mirror every day. Hell, we have mirrored closet doors in our bedroom so I see myself naked in the mirror every day too. Something about seeing a photograph is different though. I looked way bigger than I imagine that I am. Don't get me wrong, I know how big I am but those photos, laying down, on the water, in a swimsuit, pale and white from the winter, it was all a bit much.

Last night, I didn't sleep well. That was more about getting too much sun yesterday than the photos. In between not sleeping, I had some weird dreams and one of them was about my weight. I guess the photos got to me more than I realized. Hopefully, this is a good slap in the face for me and I'll be able to pull up my socks and get my shit together.