mind over m&ms

I'm happy to report that the eating while hungry thing continued over the weekend. It even worked today. It's a nice feeling and I'm enjoying the control.

Yesterday afternoon though, for some unknown to me reason, I starting jonesing for M&M peanut candies. Not just a little bag, I wanted that jumbo sized party bag from Costco. The one that costs $10. I kept thinking about driving out there (it's no where close to my home) and having them to eat while we watched the Sopranos finale.

Fortunately, I was able to talk myself out it and when I knew that the store was closed, I knew I'd won. It wasn't easy but I did it. I still can't figure out why I wanted them. Could be hormonal I guess, or nothing at all. It did pass though, thank goodness. Curse you yellow bag of candy goodness!!

the fewer thoughts, the better

I've been off from work for the past few days. I worked Monday and Tuesday and booked the rest of the week off. Part of the reason for this was because we had tickets to a concert which was happening out of town. That was on Wednesday, the past couple of days, I've been just hanging out at home, puttering a bit and doing very little else.

Honestly, a good chunk of yesterday was spent sleeping because we got home in the middle of the night after the show. Today was also kind of lazy (although my hunny went back to work today) for me.

I've noticed that since I've been off from work this week, I've thought a lot less about what I am eating and when I am eating. The first two days of the break, I actually ate very little, only one meal yesterday any only really two on Wednesday. Now, yesterday's meal was very large and it happened in the late afternoon but still, it was definitely less than I would normally consume. Normally, when I'm out of my work routine, it seems like I eat constantly. The past couple of days though, I've not really thought about eating and have only done so when I'm hungry.

Cool huh?

I know that normal sized folks probably do this all the time, eat when hungry and not at other times. For me, a fat girl, this is something I'd love to do on a regular basis, listen to my whole body and not just my head. I'm hoping that this has been the start of something new and cool for me. It may not last for long or it may be the start of a new habit. I'm hoping for the habit thing because it actually feels pretty good right now.

a picture shows a thousand pounds

Over the weekend, the weather was insanely warm. Hot really, steamy. We were back in our pool, finally, after missing it all winter. I had my new camera out on the deck yesterday. I was taking some photos of the birds in the yard and just general stuff, like I do.

I got into the pool before my hunny did and was floating around on the raft thing we have when I noticed him taking the lens cover off the camera. Slightly horrified, I tried not to freak out when I realized he was taking photos of the backyard, the pool and me. A sudden, serious storm blew in and the photos were forgotten while we hustled about, covering the pool and putting stuff away. Last night, I took the photos off the camera and saw the few he took with me in them. It was shocking. I was shocked anyway. It was upsetting too. I mean, I know what I look like, I see myself in the mirror every day. Hell, we have mirrored closet doors in our bedroom so I see myself naked in the mirror every day too. Something about seeing a photograph is different though. I looked way bigger than I imagine that I am. Don't get me wrong, I know how big I am but those photos, laying down, on the water, in a swimsuit, pale and white from the winter, it was all a bit much.

Last night, I didn't sleep well. That was more about getting too much sun yesterday than the photos. In between not sleeping, I had some weird dreams and one of them was about my weight. I guess the photos got to me more than I realized. Hopefully, this is a good slap in the face for me and I'll be able to pull up my socks and get my shit together.