weakened state

This week has been tough and long so far.

Work has been crazy busy, my back is feeling better but it's not 100% yet. I know that it's just all the stress. I'm really tired and feeling run down. It wouldn't surprise me at all if I ended up with a cold in a few days.

I've been trying to eat well through all of this. Not totally perfect but good, better than I had been. The exercise thing will wait until my back is better. Right now, I'm just trying to be as good to myself as I can. Once this week is over, work should settle down a little and my routine will get back to normal.

I'm looking forward to resting up and healing a bit, it's been a long month so far.

crooked

crap.

I'm up, I'm sipping coffee, I'm still crooked as hell.

Admittedly, I feel slightly better than I did last night but it still hurts to walk and I can barely sit up in the chair right now. I think I have to get back to bed and call in sick. I really didn't want to do this, I need to get back into the office (we have a big thing happening on Saturday) but I am worried that if I drag myself into work, that I'll be worse tomorrow and be totally screwed for the weekend.

Stress sucks, doesn't it folks? arrgghhh!!

sore

last night, we were in bed by 8 p.m.

Up until we got home yesterday, we were holding ourselves together pretty well. Being home though, around familiar stuff, around LOG's stuff (a lot of his things were still in his room here at the house) was difficult.

When we got home, there was a beautiful card from my folks waiting for us, reading that made us both cry. Later on, a huge bouquet of flowers from the girls I work with arrived, that made us cry. Of course, I kind of laughed a little as we lit this candle that the funeral home gave us and placed it next to the flowers. In Judaism flowers are not really appropriate when someone dies. I said to my hunny that they sort of represented the compromise that LOG made when he decided to move here to be with us. His life became a little more "goy-ish" than it ever had, he even spent Christmas with us at my mum & dad's.

I expect that the next few days will be difficult too. At some point, we need to go over to the nursing home and pack up his things. We had hoped to do that today but my back is completely screwed right now, well my hip really. My body deals with stress by having my hip seize up. This stops me from being able to sit comfortably or walk straight up. It's quite inconvenient and painful and I'm hoping that I'll be better tomorrow because I need to go to work. I'm just grateful that this didn't happen until after we got home (it started a bit last night). My hunny says that it's just my body dealing with me holding everything in until the funeral was over and all the stuff we needed to do was done. I think he's right. Hopefully, sleep and ibuprofen will help get me sorted out. I don't want to miss another day of work.

back home

we got home a little while ago.

I can't remember when I've been so tired. the funeral was yesterday morning and it was really nice, I think that LOG would have liked it, he definitely would have liked the rabbi. Fortunately, friends of ours had a connection to this fellow. The rabbi is married to their neice. He was a great guy, young, cool and very respectful of the way we wanted things to go. The whole process was made a lot easier by him.

Right now, I'm feeling really beaten up and tired. My whole body aches and I'm anxious to get into bed. Is 6 p.m. too early to go to bed?

gone

LOG passed away last night, about 2 hours after we left him.

In an hour or so, we're heading to Toronto for his funeral. He has to be buried tomorrow morning, before rosh hashanah starts.

thanks for all of your good thoughts everyone. see you in a couple of days.

still here

LOG's still hanging on.

At 5:15 p.m. today though, we really thought that he died. My hunny even went to get the nurse but by the time he was back in the room, LOG was breathing again.

It's still a waiting game, he could go any minute or he could go in a few hours.

It's been a really long day, sitting with him, but I'm glad that we did it. We're heading off to bed now, no matter what happens, tomorrow will be another long day.

don't get old kiddos.

hanging by a thread

well I managed to barely get through my busy week last week, it was really difficult but I made it. I'm still exhausted though and I don't see an end in sight for that. LOG is in the hospital and we don't expect that he'll make it through the next 12 hours. We've been with him at the hospital all day, he's very weak, his lungs are full of fluid, his heart is very weak and he has a serious infection that is out of control. He's on morphine and oxygen and is very very comfortable right now. We don't expect that he'll regain consciousness though. We hope to get a few hours of sleep tonight and get back to see him in the morning. This has been a long time coming but it still feels strange. I guess you never really know how you're going to feel about something like this until you're in the middle of it.

maah!

I probably shouldn't be here right now. By "here" I mean at home, in front of my computer, smelling the dinner that is being cooked for me right now, enjoying a breeze through my window. I should probably be at the office. I was there on Saturday and it didn't seem like enough. Yesterday, I put work out of my head as much as I could. Today, I worked 9 hours without a break and by the time 4 p.m. rolled around I was mushy. My brain was mushy, I couldn't think or concentrate. It was time to go home.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go in an hour earlier than I did today (which was an hour earlier than I'm actually due in). I can get more done in the early hours when it's quiet and no one is around than I can if I stay late.

Alas, the count down is on. At work, I mean... I think I have mentioned this before but I'll mention it again, I work in events... and while our team works on many events throughout the year, the biggest of the "big annual events" starts this Thursday. It's working on this event that has kept me from my blog and allowed me to give myself permission to be less than good. I won't say bad because I haven't been bad, I've lacked focus is probably the best way to describe it.

Now, even though I'm not 100% on plan these days, my eating hasn't been horrible. I've still not got a strong handle on the exercise thing but I plan to focus on that once this week is over with. I did hop on the scale the other day, to see how horrible things had gone and fortunately, I'd maintained. I was happy about that.

Right now, given how insane the rest of my life is, it's just nice to have something to feel happy about!!

wednesday wrap-up - weeks 6 & 7

hello...

I'm still here and thought that I should make a quick post, afterall, today is my usual wrap up day.

First, I should start with week 6. I spent week 6 being quite sick. I had booked Friday, August 25 off from work, as a vacation day. It gave me a nice long weekend and I'd been quite looking forward to it. Unfortunately, the day before, on the 24th, my allergies (which had been really quite okay up until that point) went bananas. I felt like I had a wicked head cold, I didn't, I knew it was allergies, but all day at work that Thursday, I kept hearing about how horrible I sounded.

The next morning, I woke up feeling really crappy. Dizzy, sleepy, generally yucky. I spent the entire morning in bed, sleeping. I never do that kind of thing and I surprised even myself by it. By late in the afternoon, I felt much better. My hunny took me out for dinner, we stopped off at my folks' for a visit, we even took a drive after that and went to the casino for an hour. By the time we got home I was tired but felt quite good.

Saturday was totally different. When I woke up, I was not hungry. I sipped on a coffee but couldn't face food. This just never happens for me. I always have an appetite so I knew something was really wrong. For the next two days, my stomach was in rough shape. I was nauseous, I was running back and forth from the toilet and I had a low grade fever. I hauled my butt back to work on Monday but really felt like crap. Literally (sorry!).

It took me until almost the end of the week to feel normal again. My hunny never got whatever I had so we didn't think it was a bug or food related. What we surmised is that it's related to the allergies. Do you think it's possible that the allergy related dizziness was actually vertigo and that made me sick? Either way, I feel better now, thank goodness.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) it's now the busiest time of my year at work. I went into the office for the morning on Saturday even (on Labour Day weekend!!). Not because I had to per se, but because I wanted to in and sort some stuff out. I'm glad I did because so far, this week has been insane. I expect it'll be like this until the end of this month. October can't get here quick enough for me.

So, as far as weighing in and wrapping up, here's the (bah!) "skinny" on me:

summary - week ending August 29

• no update. I was too sick to do anything or care much about it, I didn't even step on the scale!

summary - week ending September 5

• I did manage to take my vitamins 7 out of 7 days this week - I even remembered on the weekend!
  
• kept to my water goal, all week
  
• found that my chocolate craving can be temporarily dealt with, with fat free chocolate Jello Pudding
  
• did not post here, obviously
  
• eating was touch and go and I only tracked in fitday for two days last week
  
• I did not weigh in yesterday, probably this is a good thing because, on top of everything else, TOM started today.