good intentions suck

Again, it's been over a week since I've put in an appearance here. I have excuses though, LOTS of them. Here's how my week went:

Wednesday, January 24 - went home from work midday, sick as a dog, fever, dizzy, achey. Not good!

Thursday, January 25 - still sick (just typed "stick" - wishful thinking huh?). stayed home and slept the day away.

Friday, January 26 - woke up still feeling like crap on toast but forced self to go to work anyway. realized that the motherboard on my home computer was pooched beyond repair.

Saturday, January 27 - after working all day Friday (and then doing errands after work), felt tremendously craptacular when I woke up. dragged ass out of bed and cleaned bathrooms and baked muffins (not at same time) in anticipation of a long-ago-made coffee date with a friend I had gone way too long without seeing. after a nice visit, I went back to bed, still feeling like hammered poop - computer still dead but my hunny was working on it.

Sunday, January 28 - still no computer but feeling better!! went outside into the cold morning air and shovelled snow.

Monday, January 29 - computer still wonky (well not the computer but the router). it's been too busy to post from work.

Tuesday, January 30 - got depressed watching "i eat 33000 calories a day" or something similarly titled that I'd DVR'd from TLC.

Today!!

I'm back kids!!

My machine at home is for the most part working well, I'm feeling better and have been really trying to control my portion size. What I'm eating isn't all that per se, it's just how much of it I eat is a little crazy at times. Watching that TLC program made me realize that even though I still have a really long way to go with my weight-loss, I can't imagine that I'd ever get to the point the four folks in that show were at. As big as I am and as much as I eat, I have never, in my life, gotten out of bed in the middle of the night to snack.

Watching it was good for me, no matter how difficult it was. It was like a slap in the face and I needed that. I hadn't bitch slapped myself in a while and it was good. I re-evaluated what I have been doing, what I haven't been doing, what I should be doing... I got back on the recumbent bike this week for the first time in goodness only knows how long. My only goal right now is not so much about numbers on the scale as it is about pants. I really want to feel comfortable in my pants again because right now, I'm just not. This is a reasonable, short-term goal I think. By the end of February, I'd like my "yuck these make me hurt" pants to feel a lot less hurty. Maybe by summer, I can squeeze my fat ass into a smaller size but for now, I'd settle for feeling better in the pants hanging in my closet right now.

has it really been that long?

I apologize for the lack of posts over the past few days. We've had intermittent internet service at home for the past several days. Over the weekend, we were without internet, television and phone for almost 24 hours.

I can report that PMS is getting the better of me right now. Over the weekend, I indulged in some ketchup chips. Last night, a large caramilk bar. It's not good kids, it's bad. I mean, overall, we're doing good, sticking to our "one meal out per week" thing, I'm not drinking any carbonated beverages, getting lots of water, sleep and vitamins. I'm still continuing with my baking. We've not bought any bread in 2007 and I even baked some whole wheat applesauce muffins on the weekend. I am not sure why I can't be stronger with the chocolate/salt cravings. I guess it could have been worse but that's no excuse.

We finally got our exercise room sorted out again over the weekend. I saw "we" but really, it was my hunny, he did it all. We have several piles of boxes to sort through now but he's done the bulk of the work. The basement is completely covered in really nice panelling now. We may paint later on but right now it looks fine. It also needs trim but it's a huge job to accomplish what he's done so far. The main thing is that our recumbent bike is ready to ride in a dust free room! Whoot!

Before I go, I wanted to leave you with a link. I dearly love Kevin Smith and laughed out loud (and empathized a great deal) when I read his blog post from Monday. Here it is. I am always inspired when men talk about weight issues because, so often, it feels like it's a woman's issue when really, it's not, it's a general health issue.

catch my disease

...I don't actually have a disease...just been listening to a lot of Ben Lee this week.

how are you doing?

I'm doing much better tonight than I was last night. I've had a weird couple of days. On Monday, someone sprayed hair spray in our office (there are five of us in one room) and it took my breath away, made my eyes water, I was choking and had to leave the room. For the rest of the day, I had a small headache and a raw throat.

On Monday afternoon, I shoveled a bit (we finally had some snow on Monday), just the porch and path and part of the driveway...it felt so good to be getting some really cold, crisp air into my lungs! The next morning, there was a little more shoveling to do so I got bundled up and did it before I left for the office. Again, I felt invigorated and healthy. My lungs were full of cold Canadian air, magnificent clean air!! I got to work, walked into the building and again, burning eyes, choking...someone else had just sprayed a lot of perfume in the washroom (right beside the door). I never used to react like this but I feel like with the building being closed up in the cold weather, I've developed some kind of weird building allergy. Not fun.

So last night, we decided to go out for our proper night out (the hot dog cannot count!!) and we went to the Chinese Buffet. I made careful selections and really enjoyed the meal. It was really good actually. After dinner, I needed a couple of things at the grocery store so we stopped off on the way home. I started to feel a little wonky but it wasn't anything I could put my finger on. When I got home, I had horrible stomach cramps and spent the best part of an hour in the washroom. I was all clammy and nauseous and I think it must have been some MSG in something. That was the only thing I could think of that would cause such a fast reaction. Fortunately, I went to bed and woke up feeling fine but it was really unpleasant.

Today, I felt pretty normal, no choking, no headache or sore throat. Honestly, the world around me literally makes me sick sometimes. No wonder I've become such a homebody this winter. Why would I want to go out for long when it just makes me sick!!

In other news, I lost 2 pounds this week. I'm not sure from where but I feel pretty good (allergies and MSG related horrible sickness aside) about that.

whoot!

I had every good intention of posting on Friday but my computer at home would not see the internet for some reason. My hunny was able to figure it out but by the time that happened, I was beyond wanting to sit in front of the machine, even to just write a quick little entry.

So, the weekend. It was weird. We had planned to use our "one meal a week out" for a lunch over the weekend but we ended up not doing that. In the middle of shopping on Friday night (we wanted to get all of our errands done after work on Friday instead of spreading them out over the weekend), we had a hot dog and diet cola at Costco. My hunny had LBS and I was feeling wonky so the break and some food sounded like a good idea. Unfortunately, it didn't sit well with me and I felt nauseous all day Saturday. I'm not sure if the two were related, or if I had already picked up a touch of a bug and the hot dog just made it worse (I've eaten costco dogs before and this one tasted just fine). In any event, it was a huge effort to just do laundry on Saturday so I didn't do much else.

Oh, but I baked a loaf of bread. Well, threw stuff in the machine. That was Saturday. Sunday I felt a little better, made another loaf of bread... loafed around a lot too. Generally I felt much better.

While we were out shopping on Friday, I'm happy to report, aside from the hot dog, we only bought good stuff. I went to the bulk barn and did not buy chocolate. This is huge for me, I did buy wheat germ, oat bran, dates, walnuts, coconut, cookie ingredients basically, but no chocolate.

Not bad huh?? Unfortunately, I did break down and buy some chocolate later in the weekend, but that's another story... I can smell my dinner calling my name.

Happy Monday kiddos!

wtf?

I have no idea what was going on with me yesterday. the hungry thing started up again right after I finished dinner. it was so strange. we had a lovely meal and yet, it didn't satisfy me. eventually, I broke down and a few multi-grain crackers with some peanut butter on them. after I had that, I felt overly full. weird huh?

today, I was much better. I was also away from my desk a lot and did a little bit of walking from building to building, outside in the wind. it felt pretty good, the walking did. I'm wondering now if the hunger yesterday wasn't a by-product of my body adjusting to a sudden drop in temperature that we've experienced around these parts over the past couple of days.

whatever it was, hopefully it's over now. my eating today was much more reasonable, my hunger became less urgent and persistent. if I didn't know better, I'd have sworn that yesterday was about PMS but I know where I am in my cycle and that's not the case. oh well, as long it's over, I'm happy!!

great grumbly tummy

why was I hungry all day today?

why did I have splitting headache for most of the day?

the sun was shining, it was a lovely day, and yet my head was pounding and my stomach was screaming at me all day.

I feel better now. after lunch, I broke down and took a Tylenol and eventually my headache went away. it was very odd.

this morning, I decided to wear a pair of black dress pants which, last time I wore them, cut into my waist all day and made me feel really uncomfortable. I also chose a pair of shoes, which I love, but which pinched my heel the last time I wore them. I did this because I wanted something to remind me all day, of why I should keep on track with what I'm doing. I wanted to get annoyed at the discomfort, instead, I was inspired!! I know that I've not lost any weight (not according to the scale anyway) but I must have lost some fluid/bloat because, while the pants are still too tight to wear with a tucked in shirt (I wore a sweater over them), they didn't cut me at all and my shoes were actually comfortable too.

it definitely feels like I'm on the right track with my resolutions. the pantometer is always a better measurement of progress for me than the scale is!

another day, yay

although it's only been a little over a week since I've been "being better" at all of this healthy living stuff, I'm already seeing a difference in my skin and my nails. for a while, my nails were splitting and were generally weak. they are much stronger recently and are growing pretty quickly again. it's nice to see.

as far as my skin goes, I think it's detoxing from the great holiday spinach dip incident of 2006. post TOM, I've developed a couple of spots (spots, at 39, shocking isn't it!!) that I think are a result of the crap clearing out of my system.

it's good though, I mean the spots are kinds pink and gross and of course I'd rather not have them but at the same time, I know it's for the best. I've really increased my water intake as well. I'd let that fall off a bit while I was on vacation (too easy access to the coffee pot here at home was the reason). of course, there is the peeing, not so much that I feel like I'm depleting all of my minerals and stuff, but enough, again, to know that I'm doing good stuff.

other than feeling like the new routine is starting to gel, there isn't anything exciting to report. eating well, taking vitamins, journalling, it's all kind of boring but it's necessary and right now, I feel good about being boring!

back at it

so rather than being all morose and mulling over all of the mistakes I made in 2006, I'm putting it behind me.

last week, I was still on vacation, today was my first day back in the office. over my extended vacation, I had a lot of time to reflect on 2006. it was an incredibly stressful year for me, for a number of reasons:

1. LOG was very ill for the whole year and passed away in September.
2. I started a new job in March.
3. From January to June, I was basically doing two jobs at the same time.
4. From August until November, I felt as if I was drowning at work.

fortunately, I survived it. right now, I weigh exactly the same that I did at this time last year. during January and February, I was able to drop around 19 pounds. of course, when LOG took his bad turn in March, I took to stress eating at the weight came back on. somehow, I didn't balloon back up to my official start weight from January 2003. throughout 2006, I kept that 37 pounds off.

for 2007, I have some goal/resolutions that I have made and so far, I've been able to stick to them:

1. dining out - restricted to one meal a week (this will help our finances as well as our waist-lines)

2. stress - I'm dealing with it better. This year, I will allow myself to ask for help when I need it. I realized in 2006 that asking for help when you need it takes a lot more courage than killing yourself trying to do too much does. at times, I was afraid that I'm seem weak if I asked for help. I have learned about knowing when to ask for help and how to do it. of course, you realize that I'm talking about the office here, not home. when LOG passed away, most of our at home stressed died with him.

3. listen to my body. I am eating when I'm hungry. I am giving my body what it needs, not what it wants. I think I know myself well enough at this point to understand the difference.

4. baking. I'm baking cookies and bread for us to eat in the house. I will not bring store-bought bread or cookies into the house. I feel better about eating both (traditionally "diet-er's taboo" foods) when I know exactly what's in them. I realized over the holidays that when I am eating my home baked cookies, I don't eat as many of them as I do when they are bought at the store. I think that all of the chemicals and crap that are in the boxed variety just make me want them more. not unlike crack, I'm guessing.

5. food choices. we have a kitchen which is fully stocked with healthy snacks and we're back into a routine of cooking and baking again. both of us are really enjoying it and I can already feel the difference in my body since we've been eating better over the past 10 days or so. I'm tracking my meals again in fitday but I'm not being a calorie-nazi to myself. it's really more for me to look for patterns in my eating than anything else.

6. exercise. I have a new routine that I'm made for myself. it's varied, more so than I was doing in the past. I have found some really neat stretching routines that I've started, I found my old exercise mat and bands and my hand weights and my exercise DVD's and have rearranged my living room to give me room to do these things easily. I still have my bike and I will use that for cardio a few times a week. my focus is gaining strength and flexibility. the variety will help me stick with it and not get bored as the months go by.

I know that if I stick to these things, I'll feel better, stronger. I also know that I will likely lose some inches and pounds. all of this is good. I want to be thinner and stronger and feel healthy again. I keep thinking about my long-term goal, the one I've mentioned here before: to be one of those really lovely, old ladies, who walks around the neighbourhood in a pink track suit.