bravery of being out of range

I keep my scale in the laundry room. The laundry room is in our basement and I deliberately put it down there, thinking that it should be close to where I work out. I hate tripping over the darned thing in the bathroom. By keeping it in the basement though, it's easier to avoid it. If I stay away from the scale, I won't actually know how "bad" I'm doing. Not that feeling my pants get tight (or get shorter -- how is that?? your tummy and bum get bigger and pull the length up in your pant legs - charming!!) shouldn't be enough of a smack in the noggin' for me. Somehow I think, I thought that things were going well if I just didn't step onto the scale. I could put on a brave face and pretend that I hadn't really gained back 1/2 of the weight I'd lost if I just avoided the laundry room.

This morning, disgusted with the huge white face / too tight pants situation that I'm finding myself in these days, I got brave (ha!) and timidly stepped on that scale. I was relieved (how sick this is) that I weighed the same now and I did the last time I weighed in. I shouldn't have been relieved, I should have been angry. I guess the anger came later, well, right now actually, as I'm typing this. I'm annoyed with myself, seriously.

Don't get me wrong, we've stuck to our guns about not eating anywhere that has a drive-thru but, we've eaten in restaurants or had take-out more times than I care to count over the past couple of weeks. That could be why my pants feel like they do, why my bra is cutting into me. Oh, also, there's the crap. It's fancy holiday type crap but crap nonetheless. Like, last night, we were out doing errands. We were both tired, cranky, air deprived (where DOES all the air go in the stores during the winter??) and soggy from the rain. Somehow, don't ask me how because it's honestly a bit of a blur, we convinced ourselves that a "treat" of some truffles would be "okay." We get home, I see the big box of chocolates and just shake my head. I opened it up, sniffed it (it smelled wonderful) and listened to my hunny make yummy noises while he ate one but I couldn't do it. Something in me just would not let my hands touch them, much less put them into my mouth, while I watched the Biggest Loser finale. I was so impressed by how well everyone did on the show (but don't get me started on how I feel about the "winner" because I couldn't stand the particular person who won it all), how good they all looked. I was a little jealous of how happy they all seemed and that made it impossible for me to eat a chocolate.

I'm sick of feeling like this and I'm really sick of how I have to keep writing about how sick I am about all of this. Tonight, I'm going to toss out the chocolate. I can't go on anymore with tight pants and a bloated looking face. It's not funny, I'm not happy and I just can't have it anymore.

cold

hey folks.

I'm still here, although five days is a long time to go without a post. I apologize. I've been sick with a cold. It bugged my ass for all of last week and by Friday, I had to give into it and go home.

I worked from 7:30 a.m. to about 12:30 p.m. on Friday. My head was literally spinning when I left the office. On the way home, I stopped off for a bowl (take out) of soup and that helped a lot. I slept most of the afternoon. I slept in on Saturday morning, had a lazy day both Saturday and Sunday and then slept all of yesterday morning. By mid-afternoon yesterday, I was feeling more human. Today, I'm back in the office and am feeling a smidgen on the fragile side. I'll survive though, I'm better than a few germs.

I have been posting a little more frequently over at my "regular" blog if you're at all interested (trust me, it's not that interesting but it is a little more frequent these days). Click here to read all about it!!

enough already!!

Desperate times call for reasonable measures.

On the weekend, I never did get out to shop. My hunny was sick and I stayed close to home, looking after him. Looking after him, sadly, involved both of us eating a lot of stuff that we did not need to eat.

Nevermind the shopping thing that I wrote about last week, I'm really not happy with the way I look right now. My face seems very very round and it makes me sad to see it when I look in the mirror. I don't want to feel sad, I want to be happy. I want to see positive changes, I want to shrink again, I tell ya!!

I think that one big thing I've been missing lately is support. When Bev had the weigh-better board up, I was there all the time and loved it. I really appreciated the help and motivation I received from the other ladies on the forum and I enjoyed helping others out when I could. I never did so well with my weight loss as I did back then.

Today, I went searching for a new forum. Nothing could ever replace weigh-better but I am taking Diet Talk for a test drive. The folks there seem very friendly and supportive and I think it's just what I need. I love reading blogs and all but I think that I need the format of a forum.

Also, my hunny and I have agreed to stop eating fast/junk food all together. We agreed to no longer eat in any place that has a drive-thru. This is a small step toward a more strict return to our low-fat, low-calorie plan after the holidays. I'm saying after the holidays because I'm being practical here. If we can at least, cut out the junk food, we will be miles ahead of where we are right now and the holiday damage won't be so severe. The exercise, I'll have to plan that out tomorrow. For today, we've got the short-term food plan and the long-term one, all mapped out and that's as much as I want to plan for today at least.

secret santa

Thanks to Alison, I have signed up to be a secret santa. It'll be soooo much fun, you should to it too (or not, no pressure -- I just think it's going to be fun!!)!!



I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with health or fitness but heck, it's almost the holidays and I'm eating clementine oranges like they're going out of style so what the heck!!

going back on my word

Many, many months ago, I made a deal with myself that I would not buy any new clothes until I was down another size. I made it through the summer months without losing any sizes or serious pounds and therefore didn't buy any new clothes. Eventually, I had to break down and buy new underwear but the other stuff, I just made due with.

It's become increasingly evident that I can't do this any longer. I have lots of nice casual/weekend stuff and still have several really dressy outfits (which were purchased for various work functions that I must attend from time to time). What I'm lacking though, is regular work clothes. I am afraid that I need (desperately) to go out this weekend and pick up some new things. I hate that the stuff I wear everyday to the office is getting worn looking and I'm tired of the same stuff all of the time. I also hate that I'm not going to be able to get into smaller sizes this time out. Hopefully, this sad, necessary shopping trip will inspire me to get back on track and stay there.

blank page

I opened a browser and logged into blogger 30 minutes ago. In that time, I've looked at my stats page, hung out on flickr, read some blogs, eaten lunch and drank 12 oz of water. I don't know whether I'm bored or just boring but I couldn't think of anything to write here.

It's sad too because of all the writing I do these days, the stuff I do here helps me the most. I need the help. I feel huge and unmotivated this week. I don't know why that is. Things at work are settling down finally, I had a great weekend (although I ate too much on Saturday), we're getting projects completed around the house and that makes me feel good. As far as fitness goes, I'm allowing it to slide down on my list of priorities. I know I'm doing it, that's the worst part. The funk is getting worse people and I don't know what to do about it. I wore a pair of pants to work yesterday that were uncomfortable. Instead of using this as a motivator to go home and eat a healthy dinner, I put on an old pair of really baggy jeans and went out for dinner, to a Chinese buffet no less. I need my ass kicked, hard. I keep trying to do it myself but I lose my balance and fall over. It's a sad picture.

So I won't give myself the usual pep talk about how tomorrow I'll do better and that the good choices I make each day usually out number the bad (that's true today so far anyway). I won't because I know what I need to do I just don't want to hear myself say it again right now. I'm sure that you don't want to read it again either. It is boring and I am bored. Huh, weird. I guess I knew it all along.

happy monday

howdy folks.

Today was a busy day at work. Tonight was busy at home as we rushed to put up our outside holiday lights before the snow flies. Of course, we get inside to discover that the forecast has changed and that there will be no snow tomorrow. The lights do look fabulous though. I'll try to get some decent snaps later in the week.

I wish I had lots of health and fitness stuff to report today but I don't. I have stuff I could write about but I'm tired and just want to crawl into bed. I did, however, update my house blog and my regular blog...just in case you're looking for some news. And, oh yeah...if you've read those and are still looking for more, go over to Zorb's page and congratulate the girl, she and her hunny are engaged to be married!

blah...blah...blah...blah...

I think I may be getting a cold. Actually, I might already have one. This happened to me a lot last winter too. I'd feel like I was getting sick and I'd feel tired and draggy and I'd fight it with all of my might. I never would get good and sick and be done with the germs. Instead, I'd feel dragged out but not crappy enough to stay home and sleep. I was hoping that this winter would be different but it's not looking like it will be. Imagine how bad it would be though, if I weren't taking vitamins and at least trying to eat well. Intermittenly I have had stuffy nose, sore through, "productive" coughing and general aches.

Now, part of me wonders if it's just not stale air making me woozy. Right now, I have my window open and I feel better than I have all day. Part of me also really wants a coffee right now. Unfortunately, the closest coffee is Tim's and I know that yet another part of me would convince the coffee wanting part that a chocolate chip muffin would be good right now. That won't do. No coffee, no muffin, no way.
Crap, I have the stupidest conversations with myself. No wonder I'm fat huh? At least I'm listening today. That's always better than licking chocolate off of one's fingers, isn't it??

Oh well, tomorrow we're going to Ottawa for the day. There will be fun, there will be a visit with my brother, there will be mucho shopping at IKEA and there will be dim sum. Not necessarily in that order. Dim sum aside, going away for the day should help me eat less, in theory anyway.

By the way, I thank you, all my funkified sisters, for your kind notes and comments. Perhaps we'll be able to get from funk to funky before we're in too deep. Goodness, on that note, I'll end this silly rambling post. Happy weekend folks!!

things are looking up

Last night, as I got ready for bed, I was still feeling weirdly stiff. I had muscle aches in my back and sides as if I'd done a bunch of sit-ups...but incorrectly, do you know the strain I'm talking about? Anyway, I never did get that big soak in the tub but I had a good night's sleep and felt better for it this morning. I managed to drag myself down to the bike again this morning and rode only slightly further (2.6 miles this time) than Tuesday but I'm still happy about that.

From the little bit of blog reading I'm doing these days, I gather that I'm not the only one who has been in a bit of a funk lately. I'm not sure if we can blame it on the changing weather or anxiety about the holidays or just general laziness. Whatever it is, I'm sure we can all kick it together.

I'm still journaling my food. I'm being extremely honest with myself and my journal, just like in the old days. If I go over what my nutritional goals are for the day, I don't beat myself up about it. If I've learned nothing from all the journaling I've done, it's that it shows me my patterns and weak moments. The more I know about this stuff, the easier it will be for me to correct it.

On a different note... Biggest Loser. Much like a rubber-necker driving past a bad crash on the highway, I cannot stop watching this show. I was super pissed that Shannon was voted off this week. I don't look around spoiler sites so I'm not sure if the winner's name is floating around somewhere but I really hope it's not that cry-baby Matt. I'm so sick of him. I really hope it's either Dr Jeff or Suzy. In a pinch, Seth. But Matt, or Andrea, no way please. / of mini-rant about meaningless crap!!

I suck, er.. I ache

I did not ride my bike this morning. I was up early, I had the workout gear on but could not do it. Allow me to explain... and this is an explanation, not an excuse. Yesterday, when I woke up (after two less than sleep-filled nights), my lower back was a little stiff. It wasn't horrible pain, it just felt strained. I ignored it, did some stretching and then got on the bike. By the time I got out of the shower, the pain was almost gone. Later in the day, I had to go a meeting across campus. The walk over was okay. I wasn't winded but my back was definitely letting me know that it was there. The chairs in the meeting room (this was a 3.5 hour meeting!!) were horrible. They looked good but were sort of "food court" style chairs, very hard and uncomfortable. Even with breaks and what not, the chair had done me in. Walking back to the office, I took it very slowly and my back was very stiff.

Fast forward to this morning.... I get up about an hour before the alarm and literally crawl into the bathroom. I get back into bed and sleep for about 30 minutes. Eventually I get up, get into my workout clothes and try to talk myself into the ride. I tried and tried and just could not do it. Going up and down the stairs would not help. I think I made the right decision. I'm still moving a little slow right now (damn chairs!!). Tonight I plan to have a really long soak in the tub and tomorrow I should be good as new. Because of the lack of exercise, I'm being extra careful about my food today, so far, so good. Tonight will be the challenge because we're scheduled to go out with LOG for dinner. It's always so tough to be good when you're in a restaurant, not impossible, just hard. I shall do my best, that's really all I can do!

bad night, good morning

Sunday night, we had a weird wind storm here. All night, I'd fall asleep for about 30 minutes or so, only to wake up to the sound of the wind. Last night, after dinner, I was exhausted. I couldn't wait to put my head down on my pillow. Unfortunately, for some odd reason, I couldn't sleep. I lay there, eyes wide open for a couple of hours. Off and on, all night, I kept walking up. Finally, about 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, I got up. When I got up, I groped around in the dark for my workout gear and headed downstairs. This morning, for the first time in a while, I got back on my bike. I didn't do an entire interval program but I did ride for about 2.5 miles. I was really feeling it in my thighs particularly and didn't want to push myself too hard, first morning back and all. I felt good about it afterwards and, as always, quietly chastised myself for not getting back into this sooner. Oh well, better late than never, right? The little ride this morning seems to have undone the "damage" that two bad nights of sleep had done to me. Hopefully tonight, I'll sleep better than I have been.

I'm still feeling good about my food choices yesterday, today should be the same, I have my meals planned out. Tomorrow, I'll increase my distance on the bike and by the beginning of next week, should be back up to at least 4 miles per day. I realized this morning how much I missed my recumbent and, when I'm riding more often, it makes walking easier. I want to be able to walk all of our neighbourhood inclines without huffing and puffing, I really want to be fit. I was well on my way before and I allowed myself to get side-tracked. I'm going to work very hard to not let that happen again.

re-thinking my day

I woke up this morning feeling tired and fat. Fat and tired. Blobby and black-eye-circled. Just generally yucky. My favourite cords feel a little snug in the waist and thighs when I sit, my face looks much rounder to me today than it has in a while. I also feel pale. Not good. Given that I had a meeting booked for the morning, that I was in no way looking forward to, I couldn't see that this day would be good at all.

When my hunny picked me up after work, he told me that he was feeling kind of yucky. Achey and malaised (I don't care that "malaised" isn't a word). The same way I'd felt on Saturday night. It was the weirdest thing. We'd gone out late in the afternoon to do some errands and had a late lunch / early dinner while out. When we got home, put stuff away and started to chill out, I got really chilled, like seriously cold. My whole body hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. We ended up watching television in the bedroom and, after a hot drink, I felt a lot better but it was weird. Like a 24 minute bug (only it was more like a couple of hours, not 24 minutes). Ever since then, I've felt a little off and so has he.

Neither one of us could face the prospect of cooking tonight so I suggested that we stop off at our favourite Vietnamese place. It's in the neighbourhood and they have the best soup. I insisted that we'd only eat soup, no spring rolls, no rice, no anything but soup. I'm happy to say that we did just that. We ordered soup and water and both feel better for it. There is something in their soup that just restores me, body and soul. I'm still a little achey, my pants are still a little tight but I feel much better now than I have all day. Also, for the first time in a few days, I can honestly say that my eating has been okay today, on plan actually. I even logged stuff on fitday so I have proof.

I really want to have more days like this. Well, not so much the I feel fat and gross and want to crawl back into bed days but the, I made good food choices for my body days. I'm getting really tired of the rollercoaster of a couple of very good days followed by total off-the-rails overeating. It's been up and down and just bad overall recently. There is no way I'm going to get to my 40 pounds down by January 1st if I keep this up. Hell, I'll be lucky if I haven't gained back the two I lost last week. Anyway, that's my day, in a nut-shell. Soup folks, it'll do you a world of good, I can't recommend it highly enough!

so, goals...

It's almost the weekend. It's been a really weird week for me. I had Monday off of work because I worked on the weekend. On Wednesday, I was home sick. It was just a bad headache, nothing long and lingering but it threw me off and I literally didn't do anything all day. Well, I slept.

Last night, after dinner, I dragged my hunny out for a walk. We didn't plan to go far, sort of an adjusted walk around the block. I wanted to drop a card off at a friend's house. She lives on a side street that runs off of the street that our house backs onto. No big deal I thought. We got down to the corner and I was enjoying the walk. It was really warm last night so it felt good to be outside. When we turned the corner to get onto the street behind our house, we suddenly faced a gradual, but pretty steep incline. This incline increased all the way to her front door. I had totally forgotten that this particular part of the neighbourhood was all hilly. Suddenly, I was sweating and breathing heavy. I had a fleece jacket on and that made me feel over-heated. I felt so out of shape. I do know that part of my problem was just having eaten dinner but still, that was only part of the problem. We made it there and back in one piece but I was really pooped by the time we got home (and we'd probably only been walking for 25 minutes or so). I was pretty disgusted with myself for huffing and puffing so much. I also felt good about the fact that we actually walked the card over instead of hopping in the car. We plan to walk again tonight, this time before dinner, and a little bit of a flatter route. I'm sure it'll go much smoother and I'm looking forward to building up to much longer, hilly-er walks but boy howdy, last night kicked my butt.

As far as the goals I set for myself last week, I don't think I'm doing so well. Let's see:

- journal all of my food on fitday

nope, that sort of petered out mid-week last week. I did start doing it again this morning though. If I do it all weekend, it should help keep me on track.

- no muffins, cookies, donuts or cupcakes will be eaten at meetings (or brought back to my desk after!)

I did this one, actually. Wow, good for me huh??

- no unplanned between meal snacks

This one I managed while I was at work. Snacking at home over the weekends is still sort of bad. I need to plan my weekends better I think.

- intentional exercise at least 3 times during the week and at least once over the weekend

um, no. Not quite anyway. Last night though, inspired me to get back into my exercise routine again in a serious way. I really hate how out of shape I feel.

- only one meal "out" per week (our night out with LOG)

We got kind of messed up with this one too. Last week was okay (one night out for noodle soup). This week, we've been out twice already.

- no snacking on halloween candy (the sooner I get the stuff into goodie bags the better)

Actually, this one was easy because I ended up buying chips (which we don't like) after the mini-chocolate bar fiasco.

- increase my water intake (it's been very very low just recently)

yeah, I definitely did this too. So, yay, overall, not horrible. Hopefully next week will improve!!

survival of the halloweenie-est

We bought 170 bags of chips for shelling out. We gave 20 to LOG to "shell out" to the nurses at his place. We have like 6 bags left and I have no problem throwing them out. Thank goodness neither of us like plain chips. The trick to trick or treats is to buy stuff you don't like I guess. This means that I can never again buy little chocolate bars. I just love them too much to keep them in the house.

I have to sit down at some point and do an examination of how I did on my goals last week. The week has been a bit of a blur so I'm really not sure about it at the moment. I just now that I'm pretty sure it'll be bad. bah! Oh well, it can only get better now that thanksgiving and Halloween are behind us for another year!