midweek

I've been reading lately. Not blogs, I always try to read those. I've actually been finding a few minutes at the end of my day to pick up a book. I used to read voraciously. Over the past few years though, I stopped making the time for it. I'd intended to read Tales from the Scale during my vacation. I'd pre-ordered it last November, received it sometime this spring, before we moved I guess. I kept it on my bedside table but hadn't picked it up until just recently. Reading it the past few nights has got me thinking about things. It's made me go back in my brain and think of all of the bad choices I've made, about the stuff I'm not doing, about how I can lose weight and yet I'm not.

Wouldn't you think that reading about other people's struggles would inspire me? Instead, I find myself reading about binges and wondering what's in the cupboard!! TOM is late (but en route) and maybe I can blame this shitty attitude on hormones. I'm getting sick of fighting with myself all the time. I'm not unhappy generally and, at the moment, I'm not unhealthy but, I should weigh a lot less right now than I do and I should be a lot more fit. But I don't and I'm not and I'm the only one who can change it (I know that). Like this week, so far, I haven't properly exercised, I have watched my food intake and it's not been horrible but, it's not been fabulous either. Why can't I figure it out? I got the shit scared out of me in December 2002 and that got me on this path (well, I started in January 2003). Does that have to happen again to get me jump-started? Do I have to hear again that two really cool people have died prematurely as a result of heart disease? I sure hope not. I'm hoping that by the time I get through the book, I will be all inspired and ramped up again because something has got to give. I'm white-knuckling things right now and I don't like how that feels.

On a slightly non-related note, when I picked up the book and flipped through it, I was pleasantly surprised and a little shocked to see that my brother's ex-girlfriend (who I LOVE) had a submission show up in it. It's kind of a small world, isn't it?