Day 16

I'm about 1/2 through day 16 and am feeling off my game slightly. I didn't workout this morning like I normally do. I just could not get up this morning and by the time I hauled my ass out of bed it was way too late to start. As soon as I get home from work tonight though, I will do it. I promise (pinky swear)! My eating has been good though and we're having dinner at home tonight so I know that it'll be low fat and yummy.

Lately, here and my other blog, I've been talking a bit about how much crap there is going on in my life right now. I wish I could get into specifics about it here because I know that it would do my soul a lot of good to get it all off of my chest but, for many reasons, I can not. I'm sure by now you can figure out what it's related to. While I was heating up my lunch, I made a couple of lists. It did make me feel better to make them, although I cried and felt like puking while I was working on them. I guess they are laundry lists of things that are both good and bad in my life right now. I was feeling like the negative energy in my life was consuming me and pushing all the good stuff out. Once I got the lists done, I realized that it hadn't and that made me feel much better.

Again, I would love to give details but I don't feel that I can at the moment so this will have to do as far as purging goes:

Bad stuff that I'm feeling right now

* In the past 12 months, I haven't lost as much weight as I would have liked to
* I still have a very long way to go with it
* I feel tired, weary actually
* I often feel angry and frustrated
* I often feel unappreciated and invisible
* I often feel like a shit magnet
* I often feel like crying
* I often feel sick to my stomach
* I have a tension headache and a knot in my neck
* For a good chunk of each work day, I feel unhappy

Good things about me:

* I am in a relationship with a wonderful, supportive man who I love more than I could ever say
* I'm healthy, definitely healthier than I was 12 months ago
* I take time, everyday, to look after myself by eating well, taking vitamins and being nice to my skin
* I exercise at least 5 days every week
* Physically, I am a lot stronger today than I was a year ago today
* I have lost weight and been able to keep it off for months now
* I am talented and funny
* I have amazing skills and abilities
* I have awesome friends
* I help people, every day
* Our family is healthy and close by
* I live in a really cool little house

When I first read the bad list, it made me want to throw up. I definitely felt angry tears while I typed it. When I did the good list, I started to smile and feel good about myself. Ordinarily, I have no problem being positive and optimistic. Lately though, the negative shit has been working really hard to push the good stuff out. I refuse to let that happen. I'm working on making the bad list go away because I can control all of it.

I'm sorry if this sounded rambling and stupid but I feel so much better for typing it all out. It's all that negative shit that has me taking those pills at night so I can sleep. It's been a very long year. I made a lot of positive changes but a lot of bad stuff was thrust upon me by others around me. I started this holiday challenge as a way of trying to distract myself from what's been happening lately. It's not really working this week. I'm just tired of the struggle right now. I've made a new challenge though, one that is much bigger than trying to lose 10 pounds by Christmas....by the time my birthday rolls around again (in May), I'm going to have eliminated the negatives and be a much happier camper. It's a promise that I've made to myself and to you all. I'll double pinky swear on that one.