I can not believe how dark it is right now. It's after 7 a.m. and it's still like night outside. I had planned to sleep in this morning but couldn't so I've been up since 6 a.m., puttering around the house.

Yesterday was a bit of a blur. I went out and bought a couple of new tops for work. I really don't want to put a lot of money into my wardrobe right now (because I know that I'll be shrinking out of it). I spent a fair bit of time wandering around the store. I know that over the past couple of years, I hadn't spent much time even looking at clothes because I hated trying stuff on. I just always knew that it would look terrible and not fit properly so why bother, right? The tops I got are a size smaller than the last tops I bought, they were 4x's. It is kind of nice looking at smaller sizes even if it still is a 4x. I'm so happy that it's not 6x or 7x anymore.

I had a bunch of other errands to do, banking, drug store, that kind of thing. Lately, I've found myself really paying attention to the sizes and shapes of other women I see. I can honestly say that I never paid much attention to what folks looked like before. I remember that I usually felt like I was the biggest person in the room, anywhere I went. Now, I know that this was not always true but it was often true. I find myself feeling a little bad when I look at someone and think "hey, my ass is smaller than hers" or "wow, I'm not that big anymore." I feel bad about this for many reasons, because I feel like I'm "judging" folks almost and I think that's wrong.

I also think it's wrong because, despite the fact that I've lost almost 80 pounds and am physically very strong and flexible, I'm still a fat girl. I'm still bigger than a lot of folks and I'm sure that lots of "thin" folks look at me and think "hey, my ass is not as big as hers." I have noticed recently too, that there seems to have been explosion (no pun intended) of very large women in my town over the past year or so. I've noticed this particularly amongst young women and I wish that I could say to them, "stop it now, trust me, you'll be glad you did...don't wait until you're 36 like I did" but I can't do that. They wouldn't listen to me, I wouldn't have listened to anyone who tried to say that to me when I was younger (although, I know that when I was in my early 20's, I was not as big as some of the young girls I see now). It feels like I'm being shallow and I'm not. I honestly worry about their health, like I worry about mine. Funny thing is that I don't feel this way if I see fat girl walking down the street or heading into the gym at school, if I see them heading down the junk aisle at Wal-Mart though, it's a different story.

I'm struggling with this because it feels wrong to me that I'm thinking and feeling these things. Do any of you have these kinds of feelings creep up on you since you've lost weight? I'd love to hear any suggestions you have for letting it go and not feeling like I'm being a judgmental bitch.