Pardon my language but I can't even fucking believe it. I should have known better, you think I would have learned by now but oh no…I'm a loser. I had this huge post written, hit the publish button and the thing disappeared into the ether. Never to be seen again…damn!

I'm not sure what's up with blogger tonight but it's sucking ass big time…anyway, I'm writing this in an external editor and won't try to compose in blogger again.

I had a long phone conversation with my mother this afternoon. I'd been sort dropping hints to her that we were "watching what we were eating" (I didn't want to get into it with her for some reason). This afternoon she asked if we were still "watching" and I told her what we had been doing exactly. She sounded relieved (in a motherly sort of way) but knew better then to say too much (finally!!!). She and my dad have become health and fitness…well, "fanatics" is a bit harsh but, let's just say that they have both had more dealings with the health care system over the past couple of years than either one of them would have liked.

Aaahh…I just checked back and blogger is totally down at the mo'….that explains a lot. Anyway, I sort of got into the nitty gritty with her of what we were doing, the food, fitday, the blogs, the forum, the exercise. I could tell that she was really interested in what I was saying. Probably because it sounded sensible and it wasn't a fad thing (in a past life, she used to like clipping out fad diets from magazines and sending them to me - she quit doing that about 10 years ago when I flat out told her that I didn't do "fads").

We got to talking about her next door neighbour, I'll call her "Roxanne." Roxanne is about 8 years older than me; she has 2 daughters (15 & 8) and a moron for a husband. She's also about 150 pounds overweight. Roxanne also like fads…well, she likes to start them, she falls off of them (usually before the end of the first week) and then she gets completely discouraged and binges. She's tried everything, grapefruit, cabbage soup, diet pills, Subway. If the Ontario government hadn't stopped paying for it, I'm pretty sure she'd be trying to get WLS right now. Anyway, she claims that nothing works for her. I know what doesn't work for her; at least this is what it looks like from my point of view, looking in….she has NO support network. Her husband and kids will bring junk and crap into the house and eat it in front of her. They are very much a fast-food family. Her house is completely unhealthy and she can't get healthy in that environment. I know what I'm talking about because my house was on the unhealthy side (not like hers but I know that it's easier to slide into what she's dealing with when you have kids) before we started to "clean up our act" last fall.

I think that her motivation is wrong too. I know this because I used to have her motivation, to get thin. I don't want to be thin anymore, and I think that is what is keeping me in line. I want to be healthy, fit and strong. I don't want to get to my parents' ages (mum's 59, dad's 60) and be riddled with health problems. I want to be one of those 80 year old ladies in pink track suits that I see power walking down my street at 6:30 a.m. Sure part of me is way into the new clothes and the looking better but the biggest part of me wants to be stronger, more flexible…healthier. Not that I'm not healthy now. Despite my weight, I'm a very healthy person. My doctor tells me that every time I see her. I think that it surprises her too. I was blessed with good genes and I've been lucky. I have had better jobs and have enjoyed a much better standard of living than my parents had at my age. I don't want some excess fat to undo the good that I've got going for me. Roxanne will figure this out eventually. Maybe when she does she'll be able to get her dick-husband and kids to go along with her, I hope so, she's a really nice lady and I know that she's not very happy at the moment.

Anyway, I think that I'll go beat on some of my fat right now…we're going to pop a DVD in the player and watch a movie and I'm going to get my nightly ride in while I'm doing that. Yikes…I've been rambling all over the place. Sorry about that… I'm not sure when I'll post this because blogger looks like it's down for the count. I'm writing it on Saturday at 7:17 p.m….