weird shit

I'm finally starting to feel a little better.  My voice is pretty scratchy and I've had lingering sinus headaches so I'm taking a lot of ibuprofen right now but overall, I'm better.  Of course, this cold happened around the same time that TOM arrived, a week late, and it just made for double the fun.  Work's been pretty busy and everything has just been overwhelming me this week.

I think that the combination of feeling like crap, having work stuff hanging over my head and some stuff we've been dealing with, with the LOG, I'm sort of depressed.  Last night, I just broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.  It happened again this morning and it's kind of horrible.    Logically, I know exactly what's wrong and why I'm feeling the way I do.  Unfortunately, logic and emotions don't talk to one another so the tears kept coming.  I know that my hunny felt terrible for me and I was angry at myself for being upset.  Being upset with yourself for being upset is just really stupid but it's also upsetting so you cry harder.

Missing meals is something that I almost never do but this week, I've been missing a lot of meals.  Meal time comes around and the thought of food just makes me feel sick.  Eventually though, I get hungry and when this happens, I have been making bad choices.  Again, this is making me upset.  It's a vicious cycle.   If this had happened 2 weeks ago, I would have said that it was extreme PMS but it's not PMS, I'm just insane.

The at home with LOG stuff is really weird.  When he first moved in, everything was fine, we would eat meals together, hang out a little bit in the evenings but basically, we'd all go our own way.   Part of the hanging out was that we would watch "our shows" in the living room, with our beautiful home theatre system and if he didn't want to watch, he wouldn't.  Often when he would watch one of his shows (mostly the game show network) we'd take that as an opportunity to hang out on the computer, do some work around the house, or just watch tv in our room.  It's a tiny, two storey house though so you don't really get too far away from one another.  Since my birthday, when I got my new video card, we've been taping stuff upstairs and watching it in our bedroom, effectively keeping us upstairs and LOG downstairs.  It's inadvertently created a weird dynamic.  He'd never say it but he probably feels like we're ignoring him and we're starting to resent the fact that we don't feel comfortable using the whole house.  Of course, this is a completely self-imposed thing that we've done to ourselves and basically, it's sort of stupid.  

Last night after work, we went out to do errands and to pick up some stuff to have for dinner, salad and sandwich stuff.  I really really wanted to have the downstairs to ourselves but there is no way to ask LOG to fuck off upstairs so we can be alone.  Afterall, it was Canadian Idol night and he was going to be camped out in the living room until that was over.  All I wanted to do was put some music on, have something to eat and sit on my beautiful, comfy living room furniture with my hunny and chill out (afterall, I was having the week from hell).  My hunny had an idea, if we put Pulp Fiction on, there is no way in hell he'd stay downstairs.  So we put it on and guess what, he actually got into it.  This little old jewish guy who hates swear words and violence sat there and watched it.  I lost my appetite and started to cry.  It was stupid, I feel stupid writing about it but all I wanted was an evening in my own living room.  Not only could I not get that, I couldn't even eat.  Some of the problem was probably from low blood sugar too, it was nuts.

Part of what is upsetting me right now too, in addition to total exhaustion and stress, is that it's been announced that LOG's brother is visiting next week.    He's also bringing his son and daughter-in-law.  In.the.middle.of.my.vacation.  I booked the time so I could be selfish and do things that I wanted to do, needed to do, see some friends I've been neglecting and basically recharging my batteries.  Now, we have to clean the house (company clean, you know? because I barely know these people and I so don't need them judging me) and do a tonne of yard work.  Now this is stuff we were going to do anyway but now we're on a deadline and it's for folks we don't even like.   So fine, they're coming.  I say to my hunny, "what if your dad goes back to Toronto with them for a few days, we can have the house to ourselves for our anniversary (next weekend) and then we can go in to TO and get him on the weekend?"   He thinks this is a great idea, it'd give his dad a chance to see his cousin and some friends.  Fine.  We bring it up this morning and he says, "that's not really convenient for me."   I didn't say a word but I'm sure my jaw hit the ground.  Not convenient because it might interrupt some big Price is Right marathon?  not convenient because he has to scratch his butt next weekend and can only do it at home?? What did that mean??!!  He made a comment too that he didn't even really want them to visit.  Can you believe this??  So I ask him to call and cancel then, if he's not feeling up to it.  He says, "well I'd like to see my brother though."  It's beyond frustrating.   I'm cleaning my house and rearranging my vacation to accommodate people that we don't even want in the house!!!!  He offered to pay for us to stay in a hotel for a couple of days for our anniversary but we really just wanted to be in our house, alone for just a couple of days.  Going to a hotel is not the same.

On the way to work, I had a revelation.  My hunny made a comment about wanting to be able to sit in the living room in his underwear and watch the Simpsons and how he never does it anymore and couldn't do it in a hotel (because I was complaining about how I never listened to music in the shower anymore because I don't want to disturb the house anymore than I already do by working out early and couldn't do that in a hotel either).  We kind of looked at each other and asked each why we weren't doing these things.  LOG never asked us not to do them, we just stopped doing them because we wanted to make him feel comfortable and to be "considerate."  I realize now that by doing this, we've created this weird, tense, false environment in the house and that's why I've been so upset the past couple of days.  I can be phony baloney at work if I have to be but I'll be damned if I'm going to be phony baloney and hide in my room in my own house.  So, we're going to try to be ourselves, the unvarnished versions of ourselves and see how that goes.  

Hopefully it'll be okay.  Hopefully it'll make us feel better and make him feel better too.  If I could figure out a way to get LOG to start drinking soy milk and eating whole grain bread, maybe I can figure out a way for us to be ourselves and keep him happy too.   Whatever happens, I have to get my shit together again.  I need to start eating regular meals again and stop making bad choices when I do eat.  This cold will be good and gone soon and so will TOM and all should return to normal.   I hope so anyway, I really don't want to cry anymore.  At least not this week.